Last LOST recap EVER

*Sigh* It's over. I'm not going to do my normal play-by-play. I would love to, but you have to understand that it would be the longest blog post ever. It was the longest finale ever. So I'm just going to touch on some finer points of the show and we can discuss in the comments, or continue scratching our heads. Observations from the show:

-Previously on LOST, really? They just did a giant clip show from the beginning of the series to the last episode. They could have put that 50 seconds to better use.

-When Sawyer snuck up on Darth and Ben to spy on them at the well, did he seriously pick the smallest, scraggliest bush on the island to hide behind? Because that was a tiny bush, and it was, like, 3 feet from them. Sawyer's got some rough edges when it comes to being sneaky.

-It wouldn't have been a LOST episode without someone hitting Ben in the face with the butt of a gun, so well done, writers.

-My heart almost burst when I saw Vincent, Rose, and Bernard. For real, I love them all so much, and I worried that they would be one of the unanswered questions.

-I almost laughed out loud when Kate and Jack declared their love for each other. In fact, Hubs and I had to rewatch that part because we were too busy making up our own dialogue for that section.

-Hurley shooting Charlie in the back with a tranquilizer dart made my day. I lol-ed.

-I loved Ben in this episode. LOVED him.

-I don't usually laugh at anything involving Kate, unless she's getting punched or knocked down, but I laughed when she pointed out the obvious symbolism of Christian Shepherd's name.

-I laughed like a loon at two parts: The part where Locke "remembers" and they show him with the orange in his mouth. Locke was always a creepster, even when he was just normal Locke; and the part after he remembers and is giggling at Jack.

-Did any other Star Trek lovers think of the scene with Spock in "Wrath of Khan" when Desmond was turning off the light (or Jack was turning it on)?

-I jumped in the air and yelled "YEAH, BABY!" when we realized that Richard survived his trip into the trees, courtesy of the smoke monster. Hubs and I have been arguing about whether he was dead or not all week long.

-Daniel's fedora is his new skinny tie. He's worn it in every episode he's been in lately. I did something unheard of last night and stayed up to watch Jimmy Kimmel (usually waaay too late for me) and Daniel was wearing the SAME hat. I think it may be stuck to his head.

Okay. Onto what I think. I was furious last night. And disappointed. It took sleeping on it for awhile for me to come around a little bit. I am happy with the ending. I'm glad that they all get to be together. It would make sense that the relationships they forged on the island would be the most important in their lives. I thought the "going to heaven all together" thing was a bit contrived, but, hey, they made it to the end and we got to see them all whole and together, so I guess that makes me happy. They all got some form of redemption that they had been seeking, and became better people as opposed to their early, self-absorbed selves. Oh, but sorry David. You were just a figment of your dad's imagination. I'm sorry I kind of got into your story line because it didn't mean anything.

Questions I wish they would have answered. I know they said they wouldn't answer all the questions, and it's better that way. I just wish they would have answered a few of the big questions:

-Explain the light. I know Jacob eluded to its purpose, but he didn't explain it, nor why it was so important to protect. And it it seriously kept in place by a rock cork? You'd think the island protectors would have made it a little more foolproof.

-Explain the numbers. What are they exactly? Why do they show up EVERYWHERE? Why are they unlucky? Are they coordinates? The combination to Jacob's bus locker?

-I know this one is minor, but what was the Smoke Monster's name? Because we only know him as Smoke Monster, and if Allison Janney mom really named him that, what was she expecting? It's like naming your child Adolf and being surprised that he turns out to be a bully.

-Why did all of the women suddenly have bangs in season four?

-Why didn't Daniel, Miles, Lapidus, Richard, Eko, or Walt appear in the afterlife? Was it for couples and Hurley only?? I know Ben was resolving some things before he went into the church (waiting for Alex, and to apologize to Danielle, perhaps?), but where were those people? Michael said on Jimmy Kimmel that Michael was not there because he's forever stuck on the island, whispering. Bummer.

All in all, I guess I'm satisfied. I don't know what I was expecting. That wasn't it, but it wasn't terrible. The producers always said that the show was more about the characters than the mystery, but I wish they would have answered a few more questions.

What about you, what did you think?

LOST recap

Previews - everybody dies, everybody else cries

We see Jack's eyeball, just like in the series pilot! Apparently Jack got attacked by a vampire in the night because his neck is gushing blood. David walks in and tells him he made breakfast. A bowl of cereal. Claire comes in the room and David offers her some cereal. She looks happy to be eating Super Bran. Anything to get the bowels moving in late pregnancy will make you happy, tu-rust me. Oceanic calls to let Jack know they found the coffin. It's really Desmond playing "island cupid" again. Jack's on the beach working on Kate's bullet wound. He tells her it's going to hurt and she just needs to man up. He sews her up and it's gross. Kate tells Jack that Sun and Jin have a little girl. She says they have to kill him and Jack says, "I know." LOST

Stuff from the sub starts washing up on the beach. Sawyer's watching it and he's P.I.S.S.E.D. I am, too. Who litters up a beach like that for the sake of the TV show? Rude LOST producers, that's who. Kate runs up and starts pawing all over Sawyer. Hurley looks on in disbelief, because he's never seen such a hoochie in his life. Jack comes in and declares himself leader again and tells them to stop being melancholy, because we're about to go free the life of the party from the well!!

Desmond is watching Locke return to school. Ben tells him to stop and Desmond beats the stuff out of him. Desmond don't take no lip off of NOBODY! Ben has a flashback-sideways, etc. Ben, Richard, and Miles are walking through the woods, looking for Dharma camp. Ben tells them he has some awesome bottlerockets back at his place and they're going to go get drunk and shoot them off. Miles suddenly hears a dead person. Ben tells him to cut the crap. Richard tells Ben it's Alex, that he buried her there. Ben thanks Richard and walks away. They enter his house and start looking for his C4 collection. No one raided Ben's safe. They take all the C4 because, like the Mythbusters, if you're going to blow something up, you'd better do it right. Annoying glasses lady is sneaking around in Ben's house and then Widmore walks in.

Charles helps himself to a glass of water because he's the world's wost houseguest. Charles tells Glasses to leave. I can't stand that dweeb, so I'm glad she's gone. Charles tells him that Jacob came to see him after the freighter was destroyed and told him how to take care of Locke. Charles tells Ben they need to hide.

The school nurse is treating Ben's cuts. Locke comes in to check on him. Ben tells him he was trying to take out the man who ran him down. Locke pulls out his phone to call the police. Ben tells Locke that Des wasn't trying to hurt him. He was trying to get Locke to let go and Ben believes him. Locke is perplexed. Des walks into the police office and asks to speak to a detective. Miles is getting ready to go something with his dad. They bring Des to see Sawyer, because Sawyer is currently the only detective in L.A., and Des tells him that he ran Locke down and beat the stuffing out of Des. Sawyer thanks him for turning himself in because he'll have time to meet his buddies for a game of Parcheesi tonight instead of chasing down rogue Desmonds. Des is locked up with Sayid and Kate and looks very pleased with himself.

Jack and Sawyer are tromping through the jungle. Sawyer and Jack are questioning Locke's motives and his imprisoning of Desmond. Sawyer asks if he killed Jin and Sun and Jack tells him no, Darth Locke killed them. My poor, heartbroken Sawyer. Hurley and Kate eye each other in the woods. Hurley stops because he sees something and hears and elephants braying in the distance. Young Jacob asks Hurley for the ashes and runs away. Hurley can run pretty fast, but not fast enough to catch a jungle kid. C'mon, Hurley. Hurley comes up to grown-up Jacob in the woods, holding his bag of ashes. Jacob tells him that his ashes are in the campfire and when it burns out, he'll never see him again. He tells Hurley we're getting near the end. DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUUM

Darth Locke steps onto the dock and glares at the luggage. I know, Dlocke. It's rude to just junk up the dock with your luggage. Lazy frackin' islanders. Ben is waiting for Darth Locke. Miles wants to run. He gives Miles a walkie talkie, then Richard decides he wants to be the martyr. Miles runs away. Richard and Ben emerge and go out to talk to Smokey. Smokey attacks Richard and Ben's thinking maybe his idea wasn't so stellar after all and sits down to think about his life. Dlocke emerges and says he wants to talk to Ben. Ben offers him some lemonade. Locke sits down with his knife and starts trimming his nails. Dlocke asks him to kill some people for him and says Ben can have the island to himself. Ben says, "sure! Do you want me to water your houseplants while I'm at it, buddy?" Locke asks whose boat it is and Ben tells him and also tells Locke that Charles is hiding in his closet.

Sideways Ben drops his keys and teenage jailbait Alex picks up the keys for him and asks Ben to let she and her mom drive him home. Of course Danielle says yes. She's very thankful. And pretty beautiful when she doesn't have jungle hair and thirteen years of visible B.O. clinging to her body. Danielle's mom says he'll have dinner with them or she'll kidnap him. Guffaws all around. Ben is pretty smitten with Danielle. Danielle tells Ben that Alex sees him as a father. Ben thinks that's the shiz and is very happy. Alex studies in the corner. Ben starts crying and blames it on the onions. It's lurve, y'all.

Ben and Locke enter his house and go to look for Charles. He opens the bookcase. Locke tells him to leave and Ben says he wants to see it. Ben apologizes to Charles. He's totally going to off Glasses. Yup, slit her throat. Charles is upset. That was the only smart-looking minion he had. Locke tells Charles when he leaves, he's gonna kill Penny. Charles can stop it if he just tells him why he can come back. Charles explains that he brought Des back because he can withstand high doses of electromagnetism. No one understands what this mean, so they decide to whisper instead of explaining that one to us. Ben blows Charles away and says he doesn't get to save his daughter. Locke is pleased. and cleans his knife. Ben is now a zombie of some sorts. Ben asks who else he needs to kill. Kate! Kate! Kate! Oh, and Darth Locke because he totally wrinkled Richard's shirt when he slammed him into that tree. Not cool!

Hurley brings the woodsie's to see Jacob. Everybody's like, "WHOA!" and Hurley's all "See, I'm not a crazy person!" Hurley's surprised they all can see him. Kate asks if everyone's dead because their names are written on the wall. Jacob apologizes. She asked if they died for nothing. Jacob invites them to sit down while he spins a yarn about an island, some people, and a funny poof of smoke. They all toast Essence of Jacob smore's and play Truth or Dare for a few hours. Sawyer suggests that they put their food in the tree so it doesn't attract polar bears. Hurley freezes Jack's bra. Jacob also reveals that he's picking a new island protector tonight and they're all contestants! Kate's upset because she knows she'll only win if it's a "taking off your shirt" contest.

Wheelchair Locke comes in to see Jack and Surgeon Jack is thrilled. Locke asks about David and Jack asks him what he's doing there. Locke tells him that they were on the same plane from Sydney, and then he was hit by a car and ends up as Jack's patient. He thinks it's fate. So he wants Jack to fix him now. Jack says, "You are so wishy-washy, Locke. You need to learn to say yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no." Locke says it all happened for a reason and he thinks maybe Jack needs to fix him. He puts himself up as a candidate for surgery. Jack smiles at him, because nothing makes Jack smile like flaying some poor dude's back open.

Jacob tells him that he brought them there for selfish reasons. Jacob says that he's responsible for the smoke monster, he made him that way, and then the smoke monster killed him. Sawyer asked him what gives him the right. Jacob tells Sawyer to shut his fool mouth, he's a loser, and will not win Island Leader contest. He says he chose them because they were alone. Kate asks why her name was crossed out and Jacob says because she came a mother. Jack asks what the job is and Jacob tells them about the light and that they have to protect the light from Barney. They also have to pick litter up off the beach after a hurricane. Jack asks if they should kill Smokey and Jacob looks at him with sad face. Hurley asks who wins the tribal council. Jacob tells him that they have a choice. Kate asks what happens if none of them choose and Jacob says it will end badly. Jack takes the responsibility and the world is shocked, not. Jacob's proud of his boy. Sawyer's pissed because Jack raised his hand before Sawyer could. Hurley's relieved that he still has no responsibility in life. Kate's trying to decide who she should flirt with next and wonders if DarthLocke likes brunettes.

Walking through the jungle again. So much walking through the woods. Sawyer makes a God-complex joke and we all laugh. Jacob tells him to go to the bamboo and the light and that he needs to go protect it. Jacob scoops up some creekwater and does the incantation. Then he gives it to Jack to drink. Jacks thinking, "This water isn't purified or anything. I hope this isn't the creek we pee in." Jack asks how long he needs to do this job, because he has a teeth cleaning scheduled for next Tuesday. Little late to be asking about that. Should have asked in the interview phase. Jacob says as long as you can and Jack drains the cup. Jacob is totally about to make out with Jack. He tells Jack now he's like Jacob. A whiny little girl. Jack was already a whiny little girl, Jacob. Where have you been? Oh yeah, dead in a fire.

Sawyer let's Kate and Sayid out of jail. Kate tries to work her wiles on him, reminding him of how sexy she looked in the elevator at the airport. Sawyer tells her to shut up. BURN! Sayid, Des, and Kate are being transported. Des says he thinks it's time to leave. He says the driver knows where to stop and he has to trust them and promise to do what he says. Sayid promises and Kate promises, and they exchange "check out the crazy guy" smiles. Suddenly the truck stops, doors open and Ana Lucia lets them out at the docks. A Hummer drives up and Hurley steps out. Hurley gives her a big envelope of money. Ana Lucia drives off Hurley gives him keys to a car. Des sends Sayid with Hurley and Kate with himself. He tells Kate they're going to a concert and gives her a little black dress, asking her with a sigh to try not to be such a harlot tonight.

Ben asks Locke why he walks instead of turning into smoke. Locke says he likes the feel of the ground under his feet. It reminds him that he used to be human. They're at Desmond's well. They find it empty of Desmond, but full of water. Ben asks what Widmore said to him. Locke says that Desmond is a failsafe, Jacob's last resort. Locke says Jacob/Jackob needs Desmond to destory the island. LOST.

Preview: Creepy lady from Poltergeist reads the preview.

So this episode was good. I liked it. I did not like what Smokey did to Richard, but I'm banking that Richard's not dead yet.

Thoughts in the comments?

LOST recap

This episode was so weird and wonderful. I still don't know how I feel about it.

A woman pops up out of the ocean and makes her way to the beach. She's totes huge preggo and shouldn't be hiking through the jungle and climbing on rocks all alone. What is it about this island that sucks in the pregnant women? A woman in a Jesus costume starts speaking to her and offers to help. She gives her food and girl is chowing down. The woman dresses her wounds They start speaking in English all the sudden. Wah?? Floaty woman starts having contractions. Then she delivers the baby by a campfire in a big mudpile, because, you know, that's the most sterile place to birth the baby. The baby is a boy. She names him Jacob. Then she births evil boy who becomes evil man who becomes evil Locke. Those babies hate each other. She only picked one name. Uh, I guess Jake's the fave from the beginning. Jacob's not even crying, but evil baby is tearing it up in the screaming dept. Jesus costume woman bashes Jacob's mom with a rock. She didn't think that one out at. all. How's she going to feed those babies now? Stoopid.

The waves roll in and the waves roll out...sorry, I have baby beluga stuck in my head. Bieber aged evil finds a game of badminton on the beach and Bieber aged Jake asks if he can play. Evil boy says yes, as long as they keep it from mother forever. Bieber Jake goes back to the camp where Evil mama is weaving. Jacob asks to help because he's a good little boy. Always a good little boy. She asks what they were doing at the beach and he lies. She totally guilts him into telling her. Who brought the giant sea turtle to the island? That was not a Jacob sanctioned turtle! Evil mom came to the beach and tells evil boy that he's not as good as Jacob. She tells him he's special. She reveals that she left the game for evilboy to find. Evilmom tells him that there's nothing but the island. He asks about his grandma and they talk about death. Evilboy asks what death is and she tells him it's something he'll never have to worry about.

Jacob and evilboy are chasing a boar through the woods when vikings come up and stab the boar. They gut the boar everybody watches. The boys run home and tell creepmom that someone else is on the island. She tells them that they are here for a reason. She hemhaws around and finally takes them, blindfolded, through the jungle to a weird glowy epicenter of the island. She tells them that she's made it so they can never hurt each other. There's a cavern with light and says that they're here to protect this light. This is turning into a Sci-Fi special. She says if the light goes out here, it goes out everywhere. She says she can't protect it forever, but one of them will have to.

Jacob and Boy whose name we do not know are playing. Jacob's whining about the rules and whatshisname tells him one day he can make his own games and make up his own rules. Their real, bashed-in-the-head-with-a-rock mother appears to only whatshisname. He takes off to spend quality time with his mama. She says Jacob can't see her because she's dead and offers to take him across the island to the place he came from. There's a settlement and she tells him these are his people and he came from across the sea. Oh, and I'm your mother. Later whatshisname leaves the camp and takes Jacob with him. Jacob attacks him and punches him. His mother pulls them apart. Darkboy tells his mama how it is. He begs Jacob to come along with him and says they don't belong with evilmama. Jacob refuses to go. She tells darkboy that he will never be able to leave the island and he promises that one day he will.

Evil mama is crying on the beach. Jacob walks up and asks what's up and when's darkboy coming back. Jacob asks about his mother. She tells him that she wants him to stay good. He asks why she loves darkboy more than she loves him. She's got the "busted" look on her face, then gives him the lame "love in different ways answer" and asks him to stay. He says yes, for awhile.

Back at camp Jacob is all grown up and still weaving. Jacob has grown into a whiny doofus, a la Luke Skywalker. Mom looks a little loopy. Jacob goes to play with Darth. They play their game. Darth asks why Jacob watches the settlement. Darth says they're just as bad as mama always said. Darth says they're a means to an end. He's leaving the island. Darth throws his knife up against the magnetic well where Desmond is. He tells Jacob they found something and asks Jacob to come with him. Jacob says he doesn't want to leave. The island is his home. Darth says he's leaving. Mama questions Jacob and then goes through the jungle to see this for herself. She climbs down the mineshaft and finds Darth barbecueing. He pulls a knife on her and she asks if she can join him. He says no, sorry, he only has enough boar ribs for one. He explains that he couldn't find the light in the island, so he decided to dig for it. The donkey wheel is in the background. Darth pulls a piece of rock out of the wall and the light shines through. He explains how the donkey wheel works. She's mad and asks him how he knows all of this. He says he's special and sounds like Buster on Arrested Development. He tells her he doesn't belong here. She hugs him and they cry and say their goodbyes. She tells him she is so sorry and then smashes his head into the wall. She's got head bashing issues.

Jacob is sleeping and his mom wakes him up and tells him it's time. She takes Jacob to the light and tells him that he is going to protect it now. She tells him it's the heart of the island. She makes him promise to never go down there. He asks if he'd die and she tells him it'd be worse than dying. She gives Jacob the now famous bottle of wine and starts talking some hibbedly jibbedly and has Jacob drink the wine if he accepts the responsibility to protect the island as long as he can. He doesn't want to do it and tells her he knows that she loved Darth more. She tells him he has no choice. He drinks the wine. Why didn't he just choose Richard to replace him?

Darth is dead on the ground, then his eyes open. He sits up and the well has been filled in and all the people are gone. He is not happy with mama. He sees smoke in the distance and finds him settlement burning with all the people dead, not just dead. Mutilated. He finds his game and cries. Well, everybody on this show doesn't have daddy issues. Mommy issues are mega worse.

Mama and Jacob are in the jungle and it's thundering. She tells Jacob he needs to go. She smiles a knowing smile and wanders off. She goes back to the camp and finds Jacob's weaving torn to shreds and Darth's little game. Then Darth stabs her in the back, cause he's a brave one that way. She lies there bleeding to death and he crawls over and asks why she wouldn't let him leave. She says because she loves him. Then she thanks him and dies. Darth cries and Jacob stumbles up and asks him what he did and starts punching him. He finally stops, picks Darth up and drags him through the jungle to the light. He throws Darth in the creek and tells him to get into the light tunnel. Darth goes into the tunnel, then the light goes out and Smokey escapes. Anyone else think that's the magic Lipton hot tub? Yep, me too.

Jacob is rinsing his face and looks down the creek to see Darth laying on the rocks. He rushes over to him and cries as he hugs him and pets his hair. He carries Darth back to camp and lays him down in the cave. So the bodies in the cave are Mama and brother.

previews. Next week is the premier of the new LOST music video, apparently.

Observations:
-There's something special about that there bottle of wine. Jacob had to drink it to take over the island. Richard had to drink it to become ageless. Hrmmmm.....

-What in the hades does the "light" DO?

-How did Jacobs little evil mama knock out muscular Darth, cave in a well and tunnel, kill and mutilate an entire camp of people, and set the camp on fire BY HERSELF. Insanity, I tell you.

previews. Next week is the premier of the new LOST music video, apparently.

Thoughts in the comments

LOST recap

Locke wakes up in a hospital bed with Jack standing over him. They chitchat and Jack says, "I think you're a candidate. For an awesome new surgery. Not to be landlord of the island. You suck at landlording islands." Peggy Bundy busts in the room right as Locke turns him down. She kisses all over Jack and Jack likes it.

On the island Jack wakes up in a boat with Sayid, who welcomes him to Hydra island. At Widmore headquarters everyone leers at the band of groupies as "Doughboy" tries to force them into the bear cage, because that's what you do when you're trying to protect someone from a smoke monster. You lock them in a cage with some fish biscuits. Sawyer steals Doughboy's gun and Widmore threadens to shoot Kate, saying she's worthless. I just joined teamed Widmore. Sawyer relinquishes his gun because he's WHIPPED and backs into the bear cage. Widmore orders his lackeys to get the fence fixed. I think he's tired of his team just sitting around and looking all worried like Doughboy.

Sideways Jack comes to see Bernard and asks about Locke's dental surgery. Bernie totally busts Jack on flirting with Rose on the plane. Bernard gives Jack Anthony Cooper's name.

Sayid and Jack are shooting the breeze on the beach and Locke comes up all Rambo and tells Jack to suit up, they're going to turn into smoke poofs and tear it up now. Jack tells Locke he's not leaving the island and Locke says, "Zoinks! Almost had a complete set!" Locke threatens to kill Jack and all his friends if Jack doesn't come with him. Jack says......suspense....and scene. I bet Jack says yes. Sawyer and Kate are pacing their love nest/bear cage. Sawyer tells Kate she's not as important as she thinks she is, and there will be no bear cage lovin' tonight. Buuuuurrrrrrnnnnn.

Jin and Sun are catching up (too cute!). Jin tells her that their daughter is beautiful and she gives him his wedding ring back. Suddenly the whole compound powers down and Smokey appears in the woods. He kills Doughboy (YAY!) as Kate reaches for the keys. Like everything on LOST, the keys are just out of the castaways reach. Jack unlocks the cage and rescues them all. And our show is interrupted for primary voting coverage. This better not be cutting into my show. Seriously. I don't care who the mayor is. Shut up and turn LOST on.

Back. They're walking through the jungle. Lepedis is looking r-o-u-g-h. Kate tells Jack he's not going and she's all pissed because she wants two boy toys and now she'll only have one. Sawyer thanks Jack for helping them. Sayid walks up and they have a stand-off before they all remember they're on the same team.

Jack's in a nursing home going to visit Anthony and Helen shows up. Helen tells Jack to get lost, he's not wanted here. He tells her it's not enough to know he saved Locke. He has to know that he fixed everything in the universe because he is the human equivalent to duct tape. She reluctantly takes him to meet a very old and catatonic looking Anthony Cooper, not because she wants to but because Jack is obviously crazy and you comply with crazy people. She tells Jack that terrified looking Anthony is John's father.

Back at the plane Locke stomps out of the woods and kills all of Widmore's men without breaking a sweat, or even turning into clicky sounding smoke. He stops and steals a guy's calculator watch. Locke, you can totally get those at Walgreen's for $6. He goes inside to inspect the plane and finds la bomba. The B.O. gang staggers out of the woods and Lepedis is excited. They see the dead people and Locke says, "Yeah, I did it." He tells them all about the bomb. Locke tells them all that they have to take the submarine off the island. Hurley tells them thht they're not supposed to leave the island. Jacob says they needed to stay. Sawyer joins the dark side, at least that's what I think he said. I was distracted by the cloud of swearing exploding from his mouth. Jack confirms that he's not leaving the island but will still help them. Sawyer tells Jack they need to get rid of DarthLocke because he's a downer. He tells Jack to get DarthLocke in the water, he'll take care of the rest. Sawyer, that's the best plan ever. Push the indestructible poof of smoke that's masquerading as Locke into the ocean. That'll stop him. Why didn't anyone else on the ISLAND, surrounded by OCEAN, ever think of that?

Sideways Locke is waking up and Jack's hovering over him. Locke is sleeping and mumbles, "Push the button." and "I wish you had believed me." Jack goes out into the hall and runs into not jungle-fied Claire. It's amazing what a little glossing cream will do. He buys an Apollo bar from the machine and offers it to Claire who refuses it because she's one of those weirdos who refuses free chocolate.

Claire shows Jack a music box that Christian especially wanted her to have. She asks what it means and Jack says he doesn't know. Claire asked how Christian died and Jack tells her he drank himself to death in Sydney. He figures out they were both on flight 815. The music box is nondescript. Of course, Jack didn't check it for a false bottom. Duh. Jack asks Claire to come stay with him because they're family. She likes hearing that.

On the island the suspenseful music is still playing. That is one worn out orchestra, let me tell you. Sawyer makes a plan and asks Jack if he has his back and does a big obvious *WINK* *WINK*. that was so subtle, Sawyer. They all run like a bunch of doofuses when they're carrying guns. Sawyer's in the sub with Lepedis. He quickly disarms some geeky goon and then tells Lepedis to point his gun at the captain. The captain looks all confused. He was just hanging out, looking through his periscope and suddenly there's massive B.O. and guns all up in the submarine. Jack knocks DarthLocke into the water. Kate gets shot and it's pretty awesome, but it's only in the shoulder so she'll probably live. Darth Locke crawls back up on the dock and he's pissed because that was his only pair of underwear and now he has to wear wet underwear all day. Sawyer tries to get Claire, but he has to shut the door. Locke tells Claire to calm down and trust him, she doesn't wanna be on the sub. Kate's being all dramatic about her little gunshot wound. Jack looks in his bag for a bandage and finds the bomb. DarthLocke pulled the age old "switch the briefcase" trick and Jack FELL FOR IT.

Jack tells Lepedis to take them to the surface. Sawyer and Jack argue about the bomb and sawyer doesn't listen and rips the wires out. The bomb counts down super fast. Sayid tells Jack he's the one and grabs the bomb and runs. It explodes and chaos breaks out in the sub. Everyone's trying to get out before the sub sinks. Sun's been crushed by a big heavy object. Lepedis is gone. It takes Jin, Sawyer and Jack to move the heavy thing trapping Sun and Sun shouts, " April Fools!" Big heavy thing wasn't pinning her at all. She's apparently melded to the side of the sub. Jack takes Sawyer out of the sub and Jin desperately tries to free Sun. Jack tries to give him an oxygen tank and Jin refuses. Jin and Sun are resigned to their fates. Sad. Jack swims off with lifeless Sawyer. Lots of underwater shots. Sun tries to convine Jin to go but he refuses and continues trying to free her. She begs him to go. He refuses again, and talks to her in Korean because she doesn't seem to understand "No" in English. They kiss. That's right. Don't worry about your infant daughter who will be orphaned and left in the care of your horrible father-in-law. The sub takes an incredibly long time to sink to sad music. Jin and Sun hold hands until they drown. It's uber sad. I can't talk about it. I can only say it totally pwns Titanic any day.

Sideways Locke is leaving the hospital and sees Jin with a huge bouquet of flowers and seems to recognize him. Jack approaches Locke and says goodbye. He tells Locke he went to see his father. Jack told Locke that he crashed a plane with his father inside on his first official flight. Locke tells Jack it was his fault. Anthony's the way he is because of something he did. Jack tells him that it helped to hear that Christian was gone, and tells Locke that Anthony is gone and he needs to let it go. He and Jack cry together. Jack asks Locke to let go first. Locke tells him goodbye. Jack tells John he can help him and says, "I wished you believed me." Locke has a memory. I hope it's the one of his horrible father pushing him out of a skyscraper, because then he could finally let it go.

On the island Jack washes ashore with Sawyer. Hurley and Kate the load stumble up. She starts freaking out and crying all over Jack because Sawyer is looking dead, so it's Jack's turn to be her boyfriend. She asks about Jin and Sun and everybody cries. I mean everybody in the whole world because that was the saddest death ever on this show. Hurley's sobbing and it's breaking my heart. Jack walks back out onto the beach and cries. This time it's justified. Let it out, Jack. Let it all out.

Locke is standing on the dock and tells Claire that the submarine sank. Claire asks if they're all dead and Locke says, "Not all of them" and tells her he's going to finish what he started.

Previews. Next week seems to be about Jacob and man in Black. Maybe we'll finally get the backstory on these brothas. Death count: Sun, Jin, Sayid, Lepedis (I assume), and countless extras. Basically the show is now a bloodbath. And, um, serious Richard deficit again this episode.

Yes, I'm working on it.

I do have a LOST recap this week. It will be late. Tuesday was M's birthday so we were out all night. We did watch it Wednesday night and I intended to work on the recap and put it up yesterday. Remember this from my list on Tuesday?

-I had never been vomited on.

Yeah, I spent yesterday being puked on and cleaning up puke. M was sick again. She's feeling better now, though. I'm not. I'm updating my blog at 3Am. Not because I love you (I really do), but because my allergies have forbidden me to sleep a the moment. I am beating them into submission with benedryl, though. Should be back in sleepyland soon.

I'll try to post the LOST recap today, then I'm going to do a top 10 of the day a la Lauren's blog challenge this week. Maybe I'll even do more than one. GASP.

Oh, and it's May 6th and I've cardio-ed every day of May so far. High Five!

Peace out.

News from my world

I'm kinda upset that there's no new LOST tonight. Seriously? What show that I love am I going to make fun of now? See! I'm writing awkward sentences. It's all your fault, LOST void. I guess I could recap Glee, since I love it, too, but it kind of makes fun of itself.

So here's some boring news from my world:

1) My child is potty trained. It's amazing. So much better than diapers. I will just teach our next child (no, I'm not pregnant), to use the potty from the beginning and skip that pesky diaper stage.

2) I finished making some of M's summer clothes and I'm so excited about them. I should have made them in larger sizes so I would have some, too, and we could be twinsies, because she's still too young to realize it's lame to be twinsies with your mom.. I'll try post pictures this week.

3) Last weekend I put all of our winter clothes into storage and broke out the spring/summer wardrobes. So, of course, it's 50 degrees outside today.

4) Our house looks like a bottle of Pepto Bismal exploded in it. M's 3rd birthday party is Saturday and her only request was that her party be "ALL PINK." She wasn't kidding. Everything she picked from plate to streamer to spoon was bright pink.

5) I'm starting a challenge to work out every day for 30 straight days. I work out a lot now, but I have no schedule. So some weeks I'll work out six days a week, some weeks, two days a week. I need to learn to be consistent. Hubs suggested the 30 day challenge because I would be able to see results, and see the benefit of consistency, if I work out 30 days in a row. So starting May 1st, I'm going to try to be active for at least an hour a day, even if it's just taking a walk at the park or playing tag football with our friends. The Hubs is pretty smart. I'm probably going to write a lot about it on my blog, so you people try to keep me accountable.

Hmmm...I'm thinking we may need a LOST post of some sort this week, even if there's no new episode. So let me think on it and see what I can come up with. Have a good, restful evening, my friends.

LOST recap

Yeah, I'm not even going to type out the recaps anymore. Bad stuff is happening.

I love the look on Locke's face. "Ahhhh....my candidate collection is complete. I'm going to make so much on Ebay." Jack asks if Hurley minds him talking with Locke alone and Hurley tells him no. Jack asks him "Why John Locke?" and DarthLocke says Locke was stupid and Jack was nice enough to bring his body back. Jack asks Locke if DarthLocke was pretending to be Christian (the person. Not a Christ follower, 'cause that he ain't). DarthLocke says yes. Jack asks why and Darth Locke said it was to lead Jack to water. I guess he forgot that there are thunderstorms about 238923847293846 times a day on this island and Jack didn't need to find water. He said he wants to help Jack leave. Locke says that because of the fact that Jacob chose him, he was trapped, but since Jacob is dead they can all leave. Once again, all of the candidates have to leave with him (or die by someone else's hand). DarthLocke says Locke was not a believer, he was a sucker, but his body's mighty comfy! Someone tell me why Locke's head never gets sunburned. Ahhh..the mysteries of LOST.

In the ambulance Ben is giving info to the paramedics on Locke (not DarthLocke but smashed by Desmond's car Locke). Locke gives them Helen's name and tells Ben his name is John. Sun is being wheeled in next to Locke. She starts saying it's him and looking at Locke. So Sun recognizes Locke. Did she have a vision/memory/flashback? You better believe it.

Locke tells Claire to come out of the jungle, because she sucks at hiding and he's humoring her. She asks how he knew she was there and Locke tells her he could smell her from a mile away and even if he couldn't he could see her gigantic matted hair sticking up over the bushes. Locke asks why she was following them and she says because Jacks' her brother. Locke sighs and walks away so Claire and Jack can have their happy reunion moment. Claire tells Jack that it's good to see him. She says it means a lot that he's coming with them. He says he hasn't decided if he is and she says yes he has, he decided the moment he let Locke talk to him, so whether he likes it or not, he's team Locke now. Jack is troubled by this because Jack has only ever been Team Edward before.

Hurley and Sawyer are talking about the sub. Kate's filling Sun in on the sub. Hurley tries to speak in Star Wars to Sawyer and he tells him he's not interested in discussing Ewoks. Can't you see we're in trouble here, Hugo? Claire comes up and hugs Hurley and Hurley tells her she looks great. I spew Sprite out of my nose from laughing so hard.

Police Sawyer is questioning Kate. He asks if she remembers him and she says yes. He says something is trying to bring them together. She asks if he's hitting on her and he says no, it would never work. He's a cop and she's a murderer. She tells him she knows he was in Australia and doesn't want anyone to know. Sawyer almost wets his pants, but I don't know why. They were on the same plane coming back from Australia. Of course she knew he had been in Australia. Miles calls him over, explains the restaurant shoot-out, and shows him footage of Sayid. Sawyer says get him, he's the bad guy.

Kate and Jack are talking about how bad Sayid is now when Glasses strolls into the camp. She asks for Desmond back. She tells her walkie talkie to show them what we're capable of. A rocket or bomb or something crashes into the jungle behind them and Locke doesn't even flinch. That is one powerful walkie talkie. She gives Locke the walkie talkie and tells him to call when they're ready for them to pick him up, and next time they won't miss. Locke smashes the walkie and yells, "DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO!" Wait, that's the old Locke. DarthLocke just looks excited. I understand. I took a toaster apart when I was seven and thought it was the shiz to see how it worked inside.

Claire is signing in to go visit the adoption agency. Of course, cupid Desmond shows up and chats her up. He asks why she's going to an adoption agency alone. He tries to get her to come see his lawyer first. He's kind of freaking her out, and he tries again to get her to meet the lawyer. She finally agrees. His lawyer is Illana! Illana tells Claire they've been looking for her. Weird!

JungleClaire asks Hurley what's going on and Hurley tells her people are trying to kill them again. Locke says they're going to the other island now. Locke asks for Sawyer's help. He sends Sawyer and Kate to get the sailboat. Kate is ecstatic because she loves Sawyer. Jack. Sawyer. She just needs a man, not really picky. Locke summons Sayid and they walk off together. Jack has his "Oh Crap" look on his face. Sawyer tells Jack to get Hurley, Sun, and Lepedis and meet them at the rendezvous point in an hour, and don't bring Claire because we don't want the B.O. in the sub. That's an enclosed space. Locke sends Sayid to kill Desmond. Zombie Sayid goes on his merry way to the well in the woods.

Sayid approaches the well. Des is sitting at the bottom in a pool of water and despair. He asks Sayid what Locke offered him. Sayid says Locke told him he could have Nadia back. Desmond asks what makes Sayid think Locke can bring her back and Sayid says he died and Locke brought him back with his magical Lipton Tea Hot Tub of Awesomeness. Des asks Sayid what he will tell Nadia when she asks what he did to be with her again. Sayid is perplexed. How will he ever describe a pillar of smoke who can turn into a dead person? She won't care that he killed Des. Just another notch in his killing belt.

Sideways Sayid is packing his suitcase and getting ready to leave. He tells Nadia goodbye. She asks what he did and he tells her to stall them. Miles is at the door and holds up his badge. She opens the door. Sayid tries to sneak out the back door and Sawyer trips him with the water hose and arrests him. Sawyer may be the best cop ever. I've never seen anyone use a water hose with that level of skill.

Sawyer and Kate find the boat. Kate asks what they're doing and Sawyer says not going to get Locke. He then compares Lepedis to an extra in a Burt Reynolds movie. BIGGEST LOL OF THE NIGHT! He informs her that they're not bringing Claire back with them and Kate gets all pissy, but there's really nothing she can do about it since she can't drive a boat. Jack and Claire are walking together. Jack asks her why she trusts DarthLocke and she says he didn't abandon her. DarthLocke asks Sun if she's seen Sayid and she gives him the stinkeye. DarthLocke is growing tired of her attitude. DarthLocke runs off to find Sayid, Jack rallies the troops and they run off together. Claire watches and she is mad. Not someone used the last deodorant mad, but someone stole my skull baby mad. Darth finds Sayid and Sayid totally lies about killing Des. You know he didn't do it. Darth and Sayid head back to the group and Jack and his minions run to the dock. They all load up. Claire is pointing a gun at them. I am so distracted by the rattiness of her hair. Seriously, is there a nest of raccoons in there? Kate asks Claire to come with them and she will take her back to Aaron. She tells Claire the only reason she came back was to find her and take her home to Aaron. Claire lowers her gun and boards the boat. Kate takes her gun. Claire says if he finds out they're gone, he's gonna be mad.

Sideways Jack and Sideways Jack's Son are wearing matching suits and entering Illana's office. They are there for the reading of Christian's will. Illana introduces Jack to Claire. She tells Jack that they're siblings. Jack is so shocked he's seriously overacting. The hospital calls and he asks if they can reschedule.

Back on the boat Sawyer is so worried he looks constipated. Kate's relaxing like she's on vacay in the Caymans. Lepedis asks about the plan and after Sawyer tells him he says it's a good idea and goes down to the cabin to scout out for food with Claire and Hurley. Sawyer approaches Jack and tells him he's happy he decided to come along. Jack says leaving the island doesn't feel right. Sawyer says they have pills for that. Jack says they're here because they're supposed to do something and if Locke wants them to leave then maybe he's scared of what happens if they stay. Sawyer tells him to get off the boat. He tells him he can either get off the boat or shut up. Jack apologizes for getting Juliet killed and jumps off the boat. Kate is distressed as she has lost one of her man toys. Saywer tells her that he is her only man toy now and she needs to simmer down.

Sun is in the sideways hospital. Jin is there, asleep and holding her hand. She wakes him up and asks what happened. He tells her she's going to be okay and that the baby is fine. He tells her it's over and they're all going to be okay. Jack walks by the door with David and he's questioning Jack about Claire. He leaves David in the hall to go do surgery on Locke. He notices that the patient is Locke and says he thinks he knows him.

Back on the island Jack makes it back to the beach and DarthLocke approaches him. Darth asks if Sawyer took the boat and Jack says yeah. Jin and Sun are reunited YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!! Hubs just said, "hope they turned the fence off." Werd. The fence was off. Everyone's happy to be back together and cheesy music plays. Lepedis points out that Sun can all of the sudden speak English again. Glasses has them all get on their knees. They drop a bomb on the other island. Jack has lost his hearing. Locke runs up and grabs him right before another bomb goes off. He asks Jack if he's ok and says it's all going to be okay. "You're with me now."


Confusing preview that tells us nothing.

LOST recap

Just so you know, I'm pretty messed up tonight (thanks, seasonal allergies!). I ended up having to take a mega dose of benedryl, so sorry if my recap is disjointed and has grammatical errors.

Previously on LOST this week. I feel so special. Last week they denied me my recap. Des in the slinky box, Sayid "kidnapping" Desmond. My beloved Richard talking about killing the plane.

Some convention talking about how everyone loves Hurley and Hurley opening chicken stores all over the world and giving his money away. Lurve him. Marvin Candle introducing Hurley as man of the year! YES! My daydreams usually start this way, no lie, complete with dinosaur trophy. Hurley's mom is needling him about girlfriends. She tells him that he needs to hang out with a woman who didn't nurse him. Hurley's mom always brings the lolz! He calls her disgusting and she informs him that he has a date with Rosalita. Then she slaps his face. I love Hurley's mom. She's officially my favorite LOST minor character of all time.

Hurley is putting a flower on Libby's grave on the island. It's pretty sad. He talks to her about how ghosts talk to him, but Libby doesn't. Illana comes to tell Hugo that we're all taking a fun trip to the Black Rock to get some dynamite and Hurley's jazzed. He remembers how explosive his last trip was and is looking forward to some more good, "picking my castmate's flesh out of my hair" time. She asks about Libby and walks away while Hurley's talking about her. What the heck? Ice queen. Hurley hears foreboding voices coming from the crab grass and suddenly Michael appears and tells him he's there to stop Hurley from killing everybody. Michael tells Hurley if they blow up the plane that people will die and it's going to be his fault because people are listening to Hurley now. Jack comes up and breaks it up. No one has a conversation that Jack is not a part of.

Sideways Hurley has been stood up by Rosalita at a Tex Mex restaurant. Mmmm....I really want some salsa now. Suddenly Libby walks up. He tells her she's pretty. She tells him she's not Rosalita and he's bummed. She reveals that she saw him in a Desmond/Charlie near death vision. The bad senator from X-Men comes and retrieves Libby. She tells him that she meant everything she said. They're soul mates. She's getting in the booby hatch van to Santa Rosa Mental Health Institute. He smiles an "aw shucks" half smile. Poor Hurley. Nothing like finding out that the person you love is a few cards short of a deck.

Hurley tries convince Illana that they shouldn't blow up the plane. He's pretty hilarious in his conversation. Richard looks confused, because Jin's not there to look confused, so someone has to look confused. Illana shockingly blows herself up trying to prove how responsible she is with dynamite. Seriously. My face was like this D: . One minute Illana is calling Hurley and Moron and then she's just gone in a flash of light and puff of smoke. At least she's with her beloved Jacob now. I'm kind of bummed, because Illana was playing the part of someone with a gigantic stick up their butt. Now someone else is going to have to take on that role. No worries. Jack was standing nearby and I'm sure he will attack that role with fervor. Bonus for the beach people. They don't have to bury her, so they won't lose any time.

Locke is whittling wood and Sawyer asks if he talks to wood now. Locke says, "That's what she said." and they both laugh uproariously over a couple of beers. Kate asks what they're waiting for and Locke waves his huge knife in Kate's face and tells her to stop being such a killjoy. Sayid shows up and leads Locke to loopy, but still beautiful, Desmond.

Hurley walks up to a hut on the beach...whose hut? Illana maybe? He finds a bag (Jacob's ashes??) and closes it. Then he takes it, because if someone blows themselves up on the beach it's finders keepers when looting their hut. Richard is flailing around and says they should go for more dynamite. Richard has been doing a lot of flailing lately. I hope he's feeling okay. He seems to have lost control of his arms. Jack's trying to be the boss. I told you he'd take possession of Illana's stick. Hurley tells them to go get the dynamite, Richard's right. Everyone says, "Duuuuuurrrr, okay Hurley, whatever you say! We're stoopid by the way."

Sideways Hurley walks into one of his restaurants and orders a bucket of chicken. The cashier says something about the size of the chicken bucket and Hurley grabs his throat and yells, "Lay off me, I'm starving!" Who's staring at him from the soda machine? It's DES! I love Sideways Des so much. He's sexy and wears metrosexual shirts. Des comments on Hurley's large amount of chicken. Hurley explains about Libby and Desmond asks him if she believed her. Hurley said yes. Des is intrigued. He tells Hurley to go with his gut and try to find out where she thinks she knows him from before he gives up on her. Sideways Des is cupid. He needs wings, a diaper, and bow and arrows.

Locke squats down in front of Desmond, who has been tied to a tree by Sayid. Desmond assures Locke he won't run away and Locke cuts his ropes. Locke asks why Des is back at the island. Des explains about the slinky box. Locke asks if Des knows who he is and Des says he's John Locke. Locke takes a walk with Des (ummmm...serioulsy jealous of Locke right now). Ben is being philosophical about Illana's death and wonders what will happen to them when the island is done with them. They're back at the Black Rock now. Richard says he's going in alone. Suddenly Hurley comes running from the Black Rock and the whole ship goes up in a big shebang. Richard is going to tear him up. Richard asks why he did it and Hurley said he's protecting them. Okay, sidenote...HOW DID HURLEY BEAT THESE PEOPLE TO THE BLACK ROCK?! He's not the fastest person by any means. Really?? This and the Hot Pocket thing from last season are just asking me to suspend reality too much. A magical island that entraps people? Sure. Two entities arguing over whether people are inherently good or bad? Sure. One of those entities can turn into a pillar of smoke and bust out the Kung Fu? Sure? Hurley running faster than Richard? NOT POSSIBLE. Moving on.

Everybody's yelling at Hurley. Miles says a warning would be nice, and Hurley points out that he told them to run. He tells Miles about Michael. Miles and Hurley build some camaraderie over the whole dead people talking to them link. Hurley says that dead people are more reliable than alive people.

Hurley's at the mental institution asking to see Libby and the watery senator from X-Men denies him access. Burn! He says that Libby has issues with reality. Hurley writes dude a check to improve the rec room. Everyone's having fun in the new rec room and Hurley finally gets to see Libby. She looks so pretty. Crazy suits her. He asks her to tell him her story. She tells him about seeing him on the TV and memories of him, in another life. She tells about the crash and the island. She then tells him that she's been here (in the hospital) before and she thinks he's been there, too. She asks if he remembers her and he tells her no and apologizes. He lets her know he's not put off by her insanity. He asks her about leaving the hospital. He asks her out on a date, and she says yes. Awwwwww.

Did Locke and Co. not hear the explosion? Because it had to be pretty loud. Desmond tells Locke that the island has it in for all of them. The creepy boy is back. Locke tells Des to ignore him and boy smiles a creepy smile at Desmond before running away. Richard's still freaking out. Hurley tells Richard that Jacob says they should go talk to Locke. Richard tells Hurley to ask Jacob what the island is. Hurley walks up and tells Richard that he has nothing to prove to him and he can either come with him or stay and blow stuff up. Richard tells them that if Locke leaves the island everything is over. Ben volunteers to go with Richard. Miles goes too. Good old Lepedis, Jack, and Sun say they're going with Hurley. Richard is bumfuddled and tells them to stay out of his way.

Hurley's leading everyone through the jungle with torches. Sun asks Lepedis if they made a mistake following Hurley and Lepedis says probably. Hurley asks how to talk to a smoke monster. He tells Jack he didn't see Jacob. Jack says he knows and it's hard for him to sit back and let other people tell him what to do. Yeah, Jack. None of us could tell that you were having authority issues. Thanks for the explanation, Captain Obvious. Jack tells Hurley that he trusts him. Whispers in the woods and Hurley says he knows what they are and goes stumbling off in the woods. He finds Michael on the trail and asks Michael if he's stuck on the island and Michael says yes, because of what he did. Michael says there are others, the ones who can't move on. Hurley asks if he can help Michael and Michael tells him to stay alive. He also asks Hurley to tell Libby he's sorry if he ever sees her again.

Hurley and Libby are on the beach enjoying some cheese, because everybody likes cheese, right Hurley? Libby is staring at the ocean. She says being on the beach with Hurley seems familiar, like they're on a date they never had. She asks why he wants to be with her and he asks her the same question. She says she wants to be with him because she likes him. Libby kisses him and Hurley has memories. YAY! Chick's just happy that she's not crazy. Desmond is watching from a distance and drives off in his new, not seawater soaked car.

Locke and Des come out to an abandoned well in the middle of nowhere. There should be a lid on that well. If we learned anything from the 80's, it's that you cover up your backyard well. Locke drops a torch down in the well to show him how deep it is. Locke says the well was dug by hand. He said people were looking for electromagnetism. Locke explains that Charles is only interested in power and he wants Des here to help him find what he's looking for. Des calls Locke on his bullcrap. Locke asks why he isn't afraid. Des asks what the point is in being afraid. Locke smiles, grimaces and throws Desmond down the well. OH MY WORD. I am about to bust Locke's butt. He is definitely evil. Sawyer asked where he's been, but stops mid sentence because he sees Hurley coming into the camp. Hurley confronts Locke and asks to talk to him. Hurley tells him that no one is going to hurt or kill anyone. Locke gives Hurley his knife and his word that nothing will go down. Lepedis, Sun, and Jack emerge from the woods. Sun looks hopeful, but sees no sign of Jin. Locke greets Jack and gives him sinister eyeball and I'm pretty sure Jack wets his pants.

Sideways Des is watching wheelchair Locke. Ben knocks on his window and questions him about his purpose, being that he's been at the school staring at kids all day. Des said he's looking for a school for his son, Charlie. Ben sends him on his way. Des takes off and hits Locke in his wheelchair and keeps going.

Previews, Des is alive in the well, creepy music, explosions, lots of guns and something that looks like Sayid shooting Des in the well.

Well, we know what the whispers are now! Insights in the comments.

LOST recap

Desmond eyeball. They're waking Des up in the sub infirmary. Glasses is talking to him and he gives her the stinkeye. Why does everyone on this show, even the civilized ones, look like they reek of B.O.? Except for Richard. He smells like rainbows and marshmallows. Glasses (I know she has a name, but I'm past the point of bothering to learn these people's names) says she's not a nurse and he asks for Penny. Charles comes out and Desmond freaks, naturally. I just realized there are three people on this show named Charles. The secret ending is that everyone is the same person! Charlie assures Desmond that Penny and little Charlie are fine, except that they're probably freaking out because Des just vanished from the hospital, stupid. Charles reveals that Desmond is on the island. Des' face starts twitching like crazy and he attacks Charles with an IV pole. Desmond screams in agony. Jin asks why Desmond is there and Charles tells glasses to take them to another room and start the test. Glasses protests, but Widmore says, "Get in your place, woman! And make me a sandwich!" Patton Oswald stunt guy is freaking out because Jin scares the poopy out of him. When he finds out that Desmond is coming he freaks out more. He must have heard about Des' mad IV pole skills. Patton Oswald stuntman sends a man into the generator. Everyone holds their breath. Some guy doesn't make sure that the big slinky room was empty and red shirt number 93093094857290934587 on the island gets fried. Desmond sees the crispified man and freaks out some more.

They cover him with a sheet and Charles tells him to take the guy away because he's medium rare and Charles likes his extras well done. They drag Desmond inside and strap him to a chair between the giant slinkies. Charles asks Desmond to make a sacrifice. He says if Des doesn't participate everyone will disappear. Probably in a puff of black smoke. HAHA! Jin tries to talk, but Charles tells him to shut up and Jin looks confused. Yay for continuity! They turn on the machine and everyone looks like they need some new pants. Charles throws the slinky switch. Desmond is going nuts and rightfully so. He collapsed in a flash of light. I hate them. Now we're floating sideways through the clouds. Desmond is in the airport staring at the flight board, because that's what you do at an airport to fit in. Hurley tells him the luggage is on carousel four. Desmond helps Claire with her suitcase and asks her what her baby is. He sees his bag and then walks out with Claire. He offers her a ride. Des is into pregnant chicks. Des tells Claire she's having a boy because he's awesomepsychic. Desmond's driver, George*, picks him up at the airport and offers to take Des to his hotel and Des says, "Heck no! Take me to the office. Des only sleeps once a week and when he does sleep he sleeps sitting up in a chair." The guy offers to find Desmond some companionship and he tells the guy to get out of his face. Des goes to see his boss. Charles Widmore. He's the DEBIL! They're friends.

Des is staring at a toy sailboat on Charles' wall. Charles yells at someone on the phone. Charles says his son is a musician and in a band called Driveshaft. Crazy. Charles offers Des a drink of his fancy scotch that he once told Des he wasn't good enough to drink and Des said, "Heck yes, I'll drink it! I am THE AWESOME!" Des goes to bail out Charlie. Charlie walks away like some rebellious teenager. He jaywalks right in front of the police station and none of the police officers do anything about it. They go into the bar and get a drink. Charlie starts badmouthing Des and Des tells him to shut his mouth. You do not talk to The Awesome like that. Charlie asks Des if he's been in love before. Charlie says he saw love on the plane back from Sydney. Des asks him to explain it. Charlie describes seeing Claire and how beautiful she was. Des calls him a poet and tells him to write a song about it, then he tells him he has a choice, be a loser, or go hang out in Charles' super posh hotel suite. He tells Desmond he doesn't really have a choice and Des says there's always a choice. They drive around to "You All Everybody" and for a second the camera focuses on random guy walking down the beach. For a second I think he's significant, but he's not. Oh wait, Charlie drives them off the pier because he's S-M-R-T smart. Des tries to free Charlie but can't get his belt free. He swims up for air and dives back down because he's the hero in this saga, you'd better believe it. Charlie puts his hand on the window and for a split second, Desmond REMEMBERS the "Not Penny's Boat" scene. HOLY MOLY! That gave me chills. Charlie gives Desmond a Locke-worthy creeptastic smile and then goes back to being a drowned man. Des pulls Charlie to the surface and calls for help.

An ER doc is checking Desmond over and asks him about hallucinations and he thinks, "Oh cripes! She knows I saw creepy Charlie hand!" She sends him for an MRI. Sideways Desmond has no friends or family. Bless his little hero heart. Technician gives him a panic button. They put him in the tube. I've had an MRI before and let me tell you, they suck. That's not a clinical term. In the MRI Des starts seeing his sidways past/future life with Penny. It disappears and he freaks. Des is looking for Charlie. The nurse is not being helpful, so Des asks Jack to help him. He doesn't need help, though, because Charlie is running down the hall in nothing but a hospital gown. Run, Charlie! Run! At least he's in L.A. and it's not cold outside. Des asks Charlie about Penny and Charlie says, "You felt it, didn't you?" Charlie leaves, but tells Desmond he'd better find Penny. So do near-death experiences bring back memories of the island? Coooooool. So now that Charlie's "seen" Claire, it seems he's deeply driven to find her.

Desmond tells Charles that Charlie escaped and he's being a meanie pants to Des and tells Des to tell Mrs. Widmore (Eloise I'm guessing?) that it's only a bloody concert. Desmond goes to find her to tell her that because he's the man. Eloise is Charles' wife. YES! And she's blathering on and on about butter knives or something. She seems surprised to see Desmond, but covers nicely. Des explains that Charlie ran away from the hospital in a backless gown. He says he takes full responsibility and she tells him not to worry about it. She forgot to be a wench because Desmond is so hot. He sexed the meanness right out of her. Desmond hears some people talking about Penny and Eloise takes the list from him. She tells him to shut up. She's going to give him the what for. She tells him to STOP doing whatever it is he's doing. He asks if she knows what he's looking for. He asks to see the list and she tells him that he's not ready yet. Des asks George if there's any alcohol in the car. Daniel comes up and knocks on the window. I love how they try to make it look mysterious "who is that?" I'd recognize Daniel anywhere, even if he is wearing a hat. Daniel tells Desmond that they need to talk.

They get out to walk and Daniel is still in his skinny tie. Daniel asks Des if he believes in love at first sight. He describes Charlotte. They basically have the same discussion as Charlie. Daniel shows Desmond his journal. he's written quantumn mechanics and he's just a musician right now. He describes the equation and Daniel asks, what if this wasn't supposed to be our life, what if something changed everything. He tells Des he doesn't want to set off a nuclear bomb. He thinks he already did. Des brushes him off and Daniel asks about Penny. Daniel asks what he saw/felt. Desmond says he doesn't know and Daniel tells him that he felt love. Des says Penny is just an idea and Daniel says no, Penny's his half sister and tells Des where to find her. Penny is running bleachers in a ginourmous stadium. Des follows her like a creepy stalker and catches her at the bottom of the stairs. He introduces himself and says hello and holds out his hand to shake hers. Suddenly we're back in the slinky box and Des is looking a little red. Charles looks proud of his boy as Glasses tries to blind him with a pen light, because she's a stinky scientist, not a doctor. Des asks how long he was unconcious and Charles says a few seconds. Charles tries to explain and Des says it's alright, he understands. He asks when they start the very important mission. Glasses and Des are walking through the jungle and Glasses wants to know why he's not acting like a psycho anymore. Sayid takes everyone out except Glasses. He must have a problem with shooting women. He points a gun at her and tells her run. He asks Desmond to come with him and Desmond complies like the good little boy he is. He seems so happy, like Charles slipped him some Zoloft or maybe some pot brownies. Now we're back in the stadium where Desmond has fainted after shaking Penny's hand. She asks if they've met before, makes sure he's alright and tries to run off, ponytail bouncing. He stops her and asks her out for coffee. She says no because she stinks. Thankfully someone on this show finally worries about the stank. She sets up a time and a place. He goes back to the limo. George asks if Des found what he was looking for. He offers to whatever Des needs. Des asks George to get 815 manifest. George asks why and Des says he needs to show them something.

I liked this episode. Plenty of Des, a little Daniel. It needed more Richard, though. And less Jack.

*George worked on the freighter. He tried to travel to the island from the freighter and ended up dying from time jumps because he did not have a constant. He's the one who took Des to the control room on the freighter to contact Penny, before it blew up.

Hurley next week! He's talking about how talking to dead people sucks and tells Jack to trust him. Oh, Jack. You and your trust issues.

LOST recap

Previews are of Jin getting arrested in airport and Hurley telling Richard to stop the man in black. Darth Locke sending Sawyer after the plane, Sawyer with Widmore, Sawyer screwing everyone over.

Creepy night vision watching Kate and Sawyer. Claire is still busy being the crazy cat woman, DarthLocke is spinning a stick, and Jin dressing his wounds. DarthLocke has set his sights on Jin. I really wish they would get rid of the V graphic. Claire squats down nearby. Locke tells Jin that no one can leave the island unless all of the candidates leave together. Hmmm...that's interesting.

Airport security is taking Jin's $25,000. Sun questions Jin and Jin says he does whatever big daddy tells him to do. Apparently Jin and Sun are not married in alternate reality. Iiiiiiinteresting. Darth Locke leaves and tells Sayid he's in charge. Sayid says he has no feelings. OH NO! He's turning into Shannon! Locke says it will help him get through what's coming. Jin gets up to follow Locke and Sawyer gets up to follow Jin. Jin tries to tell Saywer that Locke is bad and he's hit in the chest with a poison dart, and so is everyone else! It's Widmore's men and they're after Jin. What do they want with Jin? Who's going to sit around looking confused now?

Lepedis and Miles are playing cards on the beach and Ben is questioning Illana and he's getting on her last nerve. Jack comes stumbling up and takes a drink of what I'm guessing is fermented sea water. Sun throws a knife and storms off the beach. Storming off the beach is the popular thing to do. Sun is weeding her garden. Jack tells her about the lighthouse. She tells Jack to shut his trap and go bother someone else. Surprisingly she's the one who cries, not him.

Alternate reality Jin knocks on Sun's door and tells her he's going to deliver the watch and she lets him in her room. Kinky. Anyway he asks why she's not out shopping. She starts unbuttoning her shirt. Wow. Alternate reality Sun is a tramp. So they're having an alternate reality affair.

Sun cuts her finger and looks sad about it. DarthLocke shows up and scares Sun out of her pants (if it were alternate reality Sun she would have taken her pants off literally). DarthLocke tells her he found Jin and tries to hold her hand. She is standing in front of a huge red plant like one I have never seen before and it's very distracting. She runs and Locke chases her.

Sun and Locke are running through the .....cornfield? Sun runs into a tree. You gotta watch out for those trees, Sun. They come out of nowhere.

Alternate Reality Sun wakes up and laughs at Jin. She suggest running away and tells him she has money. He asked if she planned this and she laughs. He says he loves her. Awwwwwwwwww. She tells him there's something he needs to know. Keamey's at the door and he has BIG teeth. He pushes his way into the room.

Ben finds Sun and helps her up. She has a nasty bump on her head. All the sudden she can't speak English. Ben tells her to slow down and asks who did it. She tells him Locke. DarthLocke comes into camp and finds all his minions facedown on the ground. It would of been great if he had fallen to his knees and yelled, "MY MINIONS!" at the sky. He stomps around, clearly pissed off, because his minions apparently broke into his liquor cabinet and had a huge party after he left. He wakes Sayid up and asks where Jin is.

Jin's okay. He's in the torture room where Ben locked up Alex's boyfriend. Weird glasses girl is questioning him and he tries to leave. She tasers him because she's EVIL. She wants Jin to answer questions about his Dharma maps. He asks to speak to Widmore.

Locke is sending Sayid to Hydra. Claire is giving Locke the stinkeye. She is still so dirty. Wash your face, Claire! She asks Locke if her name was on the wall. It's revealed that Claire is not a candidate, and neither is Kate. He also tells Claire that neither she or Kate are candidates, but he still needs them. Ew. DarthLocke is a dirty old man. She wants to kill Kate. He tells Claire that if Kate helps him get the other three candidates, then she can have Kate.

Sawyer confronts Locke and uses some salty language, but he wouldn't be our Sawyer without salty language. Locke and Sayid leave for Hydra to go find Jin.

AR Sun give Keamey the watch. Bald man comes in and says he can't find Mr. Kwon. Keamey notices that there are two champagne flutes, so Jin's either in the room or Sun's a raging drunk. Jin sucks at hiding. He didn't even get in the shower. He was just standing there, right in front of the door. They have an associate who speaks many languages. Mikhail! It's Mikhail who blew up the Looking Glass and killed Charlie. Keamey doesn't want Sun's money. Keamey takes Jin to the restaurant for some eggs because Kemey's all about the eggs.

Back on the beach Jack is treating Sun's head injury. Illana is smiling and Miles asks her why. It's because Richard is back! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. On Hydra Locke walks up to the smoke monster fence and thinks it's funny that they are shooting at him because he has a sick sense of humor. They walk him down the beach to talk to Widmore. Locke asks him about Jin and Charles feigns ignorance. Locke declares war on Charles. Can evil war against evil like that? Shouldn't they join forces so they can be the SUPEREVIL?

Richard has them pack up and Jack is questioning him, of course, because Jack can't stand it when someone else is the leader. Sun goes off on Richard and...can you guess what she did? Yeah, she storms off the beach.

AR Sun is at the bank and they tell her that the account is closed, by Mr. Paik. At the restaurant Baldy is locking Jin in the meat locker and Keamey tells him to be careful. He gets a wet cloth to clean Jin's head. Then he ties him up with some duct tape. Keamey reveals that Paik knew about the affair and the 25,000 was Keamey's fee to kill Jin. Keamey says he's sorry and tapes Jin's mouth shut.

Widmore and Glasses argue about Jin. Charles asks her to get a package from the submarine and take it to the infirmary. Widmore goes to speak with Jin. He shows Jin Sun's camera with pictures of their daughter. Jin cries. Take note, Jack, this is something real that a man should cry about. Widmore tells Jin that if DarthLocke gets off the island that everything will cease to be. They have to stop the man in black. He then invites Jin to the infirmary to see the package, who is a who, not a what. So, is Widmore good now? I'm so confused.

AR Jin is sitting in the meat locker and hears Sayid kill Keamy and Co. He panics and starts kicking the door, because that's what you do when you hear a raging gunfight on the other side of the door. Sayid barges in. Jin asks Sayid to free him and Sayid gives him the razor blade and tells him good luck. Mikhail takes Sun to the restaurant and pulls his gun. Sun freaks when she sees Keamey and his goonies all dead on the floor. Jin pulls a gun on Mikhail. Jin tells him to put the gun down or he'll kill him. In the fight Sun gets shot. Jin gathers her up and she tells him she's pregnant.

Jack comes up to Sun on the beach and she ignores him. Go sister. Jack gives her a notepad and tells her to try to write English. She can. Yay! This is how I communicated all through my laryngitis. Jack tells her he found something in her garden when he was looking for Locke. It's a tomato from her garden. Sun writes that she's sorry and draws an emoticon. Jack tells her it's ok. He asks what Locke said. She says he said he had Jin, but she doesn't trust....I'm not sure what she doesn't trust. I think it says, "I don't trust V." Stupid V logo. She doesn't trust DarthLocke. Jack asks if she trusts him and she says yes and he promises to help her find Jin if she just comes with him. She agrees.

Kate's sitting next to Sawyer shooting the breeze about STDs or something. She asks why he's not worried and he says he is, he just isn't a heaver and a hand flapper like Kate. Locke comes wandering out of the jungle and tells Sawyer he sent Sayid to find out what was in the locked room on the sub. Glasses and someone are dragging Des out of the sub. I want to kill these people. Now I want evil Sayid to kill them and for the smoke monster to win. They have my Des, and they are not being nice to him.

Previews: We are rocking the bagpipes next week.

LOST recap

Richard RICHARD!!!!!

We see bandaged hospital eye and Jacob is coming up to talk to it. So we're back to eyeball opening shots. It's Illana. She looks beat up. They profess their undying love or something. I don't do good with captions. Jacob asks her to protect the remaining six candidates. Illana and Jacob are talking about how she's to bring them to the temple. She asks him what they're supposed to do after that and Jacob tells her to ask Ricardos. Back on the beach the gang is telling scary stories around the fire and Illana turns and asks Richard what to do next. Richards laughs the creepiest laugh every heard in the history of ageless beautiful men. He then tells them that Jacob is a big fat liar and probably doesn't even iron his own shirts. He offers to tell Jack a secret. He tells Jack that he's dead, they're all dead, and the island is not what he thinks it is. They're in hell. He suggests they stop listening to Jacob and start listening to someone else, like Billy Idol, and stomps off into the jungle as the "Who's Afraid of the Dark" gang stares after him.

Richard is stomping through the woods. Illana takes up her torch to follow him. Jack tells her that Richard is about to be hauled off to the booby hatch and they go back to the campfire. Ben's being all cryptic with Jack and it's funny. Hurley's off on the beach speaking Spanish to invisible person. He tells Jack he's not talking to Jacob and it has nothing to do with Jack. Ben tells Illana that going after Richard is useless because he doesn't know anything. He tells Frank that Richard is ageless. Everyone talks about the candidates and Sun says that she, Jack, and Hurley are candidates. Lepedis throws up his hands in exasperation because can't an old pilot get some island love, too?! Richard is wondering through the woods like a lost puppy. Speaking of lost puppies, where is Vincent? Cut to Richard riding a horse on Canary island in 1867 and he is seeeeeeexy. He goes to a hut and finds Salma Hayek? No, just looks a lot like her. She starts coughing up blood and Richard realizes this shiz is real. He says he's going for a doctor. Luckily I speak Spanish, so I'm not having to read annoying subtitles. She gives him her cross necklace and tells him to give it to the doctor. Who's already figured out that Hurley is talking to her? Yeah, kinda obvious. Richard promises to save her and runs out into the sudden dark and rain while she clutches her Bible. Richard breaks into the doctor's house. The doctor picks his teeth and continues his dinner. He says he's not riding to Richard's house in the pouring rain, because he's kind of a pansy, and the rain may mess up his hair. Richard gives him money and the doctor sneers at it, so Richard gives him the gold cross. The doctor says it's worthless and throws it across the floor. Richard kills him by accident. WHOOPS! The butler stares at him and holds a big pile of blankets. That butler is worthless. He didn't even try to stop Richard. Richard gets home to find his wife dead with her Bible in her hand. This is sad. He killed doctor for nothing and now Isabella is dead. The lynch mob comes for Richard. Cut to Richard in prison. The priest brings Richard some food and giggles at his English Bible. Richard asks the father for forgiveness and he said no, he gives no absolution for murder. The father tells him that he needs to serve penance, but it's too late because they're going to hang him tomorrow.

Commercial. Hubs and I have an argument over which bike helmet to get for DD for her birthday. We decide on the pink one.

Richard's in his jail cell. They blindfold him and he prays the whole way to where he's going. They look at his teeth. Mr. Whitfield asks if he speaks English and Richard looks at him like he's crazy. They tell him to go away, but Richard yells that he can speak English. Dude buys him and says he's now property of Magnus Hanso. Hanso! Oooooooo....

Cut to the slave ship in a bad storm. They can't see anything, but then someone says he sees land, an island. They see the statue and all start screaming that it's the debil. Of course. Every large statue is the debil. Their boat hits the top of the statue. All the slaves are laying there dead. One dude starts coughing and it wakes Richard up. The guy is happy that they are spared. They hear someone yelling that they're in a jungle. The slaves start yelling for help and the captain comes down and glares at them. He then starts stabbing them all with his sword. Dude, that's a little harsh. Richard's freaking out, because, of course, he's last on the stabbing list. Clicky Smoke monster shows up at that point and starts rocking the boat, literally and figuratively. Richard and the captain are confused and blood starts dripping down onto he captain. Suddenly the smoke consumes him. Richard keeps trying to free himself from his shackles and hears Smokey sneaking down the steps. Smokey comes right up to Richard and sniffs him. Yes, he does smell like unicorns and rainbows. Suddenly Smokey is gone. Richard still stands still, just in case.

A blue butterfly flies by Richard, but he's not into enjoying nature right now. Suddenly it begins to storm and water runs into the ship, just out of Richard's drinking reach. Bless his heart, hours later he's still trying to dig that nail out of the the floor and then trying to dig his shackles out of the wall. He finally gives up when suddenly he notices a boar in the ship, eating one of his fellow slaves. BARF! Richard tells the pig he'll kill him and the pig runs away, but OH NOES! Richard drops his trusty nail just out of his reach. We hear someone saying hello and asking if anyone is here in Spanish. It's Isabella. She runs to him and hugs him. They better get off the "this is hell" vein they're on. This is kind of ridiculous. She tries to save him and Smokey comes back. Richard sends her away and she is killed by Smokey. Only, she is Smokey. We all know this, right? Poor Richard is now in a bad way. Someone comes up behind Richard with a cup and a pitcher. They touch his shoulder and he wakes up. He springs away from them and they give him some water. It's the man in black. He says he's a friend. The man confirms that he's in hell. The man tells him that the black smoke has Isabella. The man needs a name. I'll call him Ernie. Ernie says he'll help him. The man says that he'll let Richard go if Richard does whatever Ernie tells him to do. Don't do it, Richard! That deal never turned out well in elementary school. Man, Richard's arm look like ground beef. He thanks Ernie for unlocking his shackles. He tells Richard, "It's good to see you out of those chains," which is what DarthLocke said to Richard on the beach. He says there's only one way out of hell. You have to kill the devil. So Ernie tried to use Richard to kill Jacob before he used Locke.

Richard and Ernie are on the beach. He tells Richard to go to Jacob and stab him and gives him the same instructions that Dogan gave to Sayid about stabbing DarthLocke. DarthLocke confirms that he's the smoke monster and killed everyone. He also tells Richard he will never see Isabella again unless he kills Jacob. Richard takes the dagger. Richard goes to the beach and finds the foot statue. Dude, Ernie is a jerk. He didn't even let Richard eat/drink/or dress his wounds before he sent him on a killing mission. Someone kicks Richard in the gut and knocks him down. Jacob has some Kung Fu moves and he's so pissed that Richard is in his yard. I can practically hear him yelling, "This is my Frisbee now! I'm keeping it! Darn kids!" He asked Richard about the man in black. Jacob thinks it's lol funny that Richard thinks he's dead. He tries to drown Richard and asks him if he thinks he's dead now. Richard says he wants to live and Jacob drags him back to the beach. Jacob calls him sensible and tells him to get up, they need to talk. There must be something significant about the knife because he asked Richard, "Where did you get this?"

Richard's wrapped in a blanket on the beach and Jacob brings him some good, old beach moonshine. Richard asks to go in the foot and Jacob freezes him out. Jacob doesn't just let anyone into his giant foot. Richard asks if he's the devil. Jacob says no, that he brought the ship to the island. Richard asks why and Jacob drinks some shine. He tells Richard to think of the wine in the bottle as hell. He says it can't get out because it would spread. The island is the cork and it's the only thing keeping the darkness where it belongs. The man in black believes everyone is corruptible and Jacob brings people here to prove him wrong. Jacob says it's all meaningless to force people to be good, they should choose on their own. Why should he step in? Richard says if Jacob doesn't, Ernie will. Jacob offers him a job, being his representative. Richard asks for his wife as payment. Jacob says no. Richard asks for absolution. Jacob says no. He asks to live forever. Jacob says yes. Richard goes back to Ernie and Ernie is pissed. He gives Ernie a rock from Jacob, because it's hard to come by fancy gifts on a magical island and all. Man in black says that Jacob is very convincing and if he ever changes his mind that his offer still stands. Then he takes his rock, gives Richard Isabella's necklace, and disappears in a puff of smoke. Richard kisses and buries the necklace. I waaannnnttt to huuuuuugggg himmmm!

Present Richard is still staggering through the jungle and he comes to a gateway of sorts. He finds where he buried Isabella's necklace under the park bench and digs it up. He says he changed his mind out loud and asks if Darth Lock is listening. He asks if the offer still stands, shouts it, and there's Hurley behind him. He shoves Hurley. Hurley yells at him to simmer down and says that Isabella sent him. Isabella wants to know why Richard buried her cross. Hurley and Isabella converse in Spanish. She compliments Richard's English. He asks if she's really there. She tells him to close his eyes. He does. He cries as she tells him it's not his fault that she died and he tells her he would do anything to be with her again. She kisses him and disappears. Hurley tells Richard that Isabella is gone. Richard puts her cross on and thanks Hurley. Hurley says that Isabella said Richard has to stop the man in black from leaving the island or we all go to hell. Darth Locke watches from a distance.

You think the episodes' over, but it's not. Those tricky LOST writers. Man in black sits on a rock staring at the island because he's a deep, contemplative man like that. He's playing with his rock and Jacob walks up and tells him good morning. Jacob asks why man in black tries to kill him and the guy says he wants to leave. He promises to kill Jacob and anyone who takes his place. Jacob gives him the wine and says, "Hey, get drunk on me!" Man in black breaks the wine bottle in frustration.

Previews: DarthLocke says he comes in peace. DarthLocke tries to take Sun. Then we get a shot that looks like dead Sun in the jungle.

Sooo....Jacob is just as bad as Ernie. Yeah, he believes in inherent good, but is it right to draw people to the island just to prove his theory? I mean, these people die, are ripped from the ones they love, etc., all for the sake of an argument between MiB and Jacob. Doesn't seem right on either of their parts.

Lost recap

Sawyer's taking care of Jin in Claire's hut. Jin tries to run but Sawyer tells him to simmer down, Darth Locke's gonna save us all. The motely crue comes trudging up and Kate gives Sawyer the bedroom eyes. Sawyer looks at her like he's going to settle. Sideways flash! Sawyer is, well, being a Kate with some woman in a motel room. He gets up to go to a meeting and whoops! His giant briefcase full of money falls open. She pulls a gun and he tells her to put it down, that he's a cop and she's going to get busted if she doesn't cooperate. She calls him on his bluff, he whispers "La Fleur" and the door busts in. Lots of police officers, including MILES, bust into the room and arrest girl in her underwear. Miles calls Sawyer "partner" and tells him to put on some pants. PUT ON SOME PANTS, SAWYER! Seems to be the theme of this season.

Back on the island, everyone is standing around Claire's shanty. Kate goes inside and is looking around and makes fun of Claire's faux baby. Claire gives her a stinkeye and they walk outside. DarthLocke gives an inspirational speech and Claire reaches out to hold Kate's hand. Claire is clearly drunk. Sawyer asks Kate about the temple and she tells him that everyone except Miles got out. Sawyer is sad about this. Sideways Deputy Sawyer is sitting at his desk calling random Anthony Coopers from the phone book. Miles asks who that is and Sawyer says it's some guy setting him up with Lakers tickets. Miles points out that he's a better friend because he's setting Sawyer up with a girl instead of a ticket. He also asks Saywer if he's lying about Anthony Cooper and Sawyer gets all flustered. Back on the island Darth Locke reveals to Sawyer that he is the black smoke and asks him to go to Hydra island and infiltrate the crash victims. Then he reveals that they're going to use the plane to get off the island. He flatters Sawyer by calling him a good liar and Sawyer is putty in his hands.

Back in Sideways land, Sawyer goes to meet Miles' friend and it turns out to be Charlotte. Let me tell you, Sideways Charlotte is infinitley hotter than island Charlotte. They of course go straight to bed together, because, hey, that's what everybody does on a first date. She asks for a t-shirt and Sawyer goes to get some water. She's digging in his t-shirt drawer and comes across his "Sawyer" folder and discovers that Sawyer's parents are dead. He comes in the room and loses it and she stomps out and takes his top sheet with her. Witch. On the island Kate and Sayid are sitting on a log and Sayid is stoooooned. Claire comes out of nowhere, tackles Kate, and holds a knife to her throat. Sayid watches bemusedly, like someone who is watching a bear ride a tricycle at the circus, instead of someone who is watching a girl try to murder the island bicycle. Locke picks Claire up and tosses her across the jungle and then slaps her face. He tries to console Kate, but she's too busy being a drama queen, so he goes back to talk to Claire. Sawyer is on Hydra and finds a pile of dead bodies, a plane, and one survivor.

Sideways world Charlie's brother is at the police station trying to find Charlie. Sawyer blows him off. Miles comes storming up and drags Sawyer to the locker room where he unloads on him for lying about where he traveled to. He breaks up with Sawyer. No more bromance. Sawyer punches the mirror. We're up to 14 years of bad luck for the losties. Back on the island Locke comes up and comforts Kate. Kate is being a wench and points out that what he's saying is rich coming from a dead man. Locke laughs and tells her to get up, he wants to show her where Sawyer went. On Hydra, Sawyer and ragtag lady are going back to the boat. They're questioning each other and Sawyer catches on that she's not a simpleton and pulls his gun on her. She whistles and a whole bunch of people come out of the jungle with guns trained on Sawyer. Greeeaatt. That's what we needed. Another group of people. Thanks for creating more questions, writers! *insert big, sarcastic thumbs up here.*

Kate and Darth are sitting on the beach shooting the breeze. Darth is blaming everything that's wrong with him on his mother. That's so old, even therapists roll their eyes when they hear it. He tells Kate that now Aaron has a crazy mother to deal with. Basically, he's saying, "Way to go, Kate. You blew it again." Sawyer is marched through the jungle on Hydra, where the people are setting up smoke monster protection. They go to the dock and ooooohhhhh yeah. These people are Widmore's people.

Sideways Sawyer relaxes with TV dinner and an episode of Little House on the Prairie. Something about half-pint makes him want to go see Charlotte, but she kicks him and his "sad looking sunflower" out.

In the sub Sawyer asks what's behind the locked door and Simpleton tells him it's none of his business. He enters the room with Widmore. Widmore tries to shake his hand, but Sawyer won't. BURN. They talk and Sawyer basically promises to hand him Darth Locke if it gets him and the people in his boat safe passage off the island. They make a deal and Sawyer shakes hands with the debil.

On the island Claire breaks down, thanks Kate for taking care of Aaron. They have an awkward "trying not to discharge the rifle" hug. Sawyer drags his boat to the beach and tells Locke all about Widmore and co. I'm confused. I thought he was working for Widmore. Anyway. Sideways Sawyer is waiting for Miles and tells him to get into his car. He hands Miles the Sawyer file and tells him the whole dirty story. They start to talk about why a vigilante killing is a bad idea when a blue car smashes into Sawyer's car and he is not happy about it. The driver, who is wearing a hoodie (Hoodies are wonderful. Very versatile), runs into an alley and Sawyer cuts them off on the other end. He rips the hood off to reveal....Kate. Yeah, we already knew that. On the island Kate is cooking a rabbit, she thinks. Who doesn't know for sure what a rabbit looks like? She's such a tool. Anyway, she asks Sawyer why he's working for Locke and he says he's not working for anyone. He's just making sure that he and Kate get off the island. She laughs and says, "Even if we can get on that plane, who's going to fly it?" He reveals that they're not taking the plane. They're going to steal the sub. Yeah, because it's easier to pilot a submarine without instruction. Submarines are so easy to drive. It's like driving a car, just underwater.

Previews...RICHARD! NEXT WEEK IS A RICHARD EPISODE! RIIIIICCCCHHHHHHHAAAAARRRRDDDD!!

Thoughts in the comments. Peace out.

LOST recap

Ben running full tilt through the jungle and dude is scared. He sees a line of people marching through the jungle and realizes it's Illana and co. Ben tells them to book it back to the beach.

Mr. Ben, teacher, is talking about Elba island and the loss of Napoleon's power, and how it meant nothing that they let him keep the title, without the power he might as well be dead. Very haggard looking principal tells Ben he has to take care of detention and kick his History club to the curb. Ben sits down at his table to eat sushi (yum) with a very annoying Arzt, who's crying like a little girl because he got some formaldehyde on his shirt. Man up and buy a Tide-to-go pen. Substitute Locke suggests that Ben should be principal and Ben's all over that like white on rice. Ben is intrigued.

Illana wants Miles to read Jacob's ashes because she suspects Ben. Ben has an "Oh Crap" look on his face. She's totally going to kick him out of the cool kids club when she finds out. No sparkly earrings for Ben. Miles looks a little shaken up and tells Illana that Ben killed Jacob with a dagger. Everyone stares at Ben and he tries to play it off. Illana is pissed. They all stomp off and leave Ben shell-shocked in the jungle. Even Lepedis gives him the head shake.

It's now daytime and Illana and co. are now traveling and Ben is tagging along. The beach camp has been completely demolished. Ben asks what he can do and Illana ignores him. He tries to discredit Miles, but Illana walks away.

Ben is watching something microwave. Please let it be a hot pocket. No, it's a TV dinner for Uncle Rico who seems to be cancerous, and a whole lot nicer. Ben bemoans his job as he switches out Papa's oxygen tank. He calls himself a loser and Uncle Rico tries to console him. He also mentions that they were on the island with the Dharma initiative! Awesome! So the island did exist in normal reality. The doorbell rings and it's Alex, asking about history club. Ben is kind of being a closetalker. He promises to tutor her in the morning.

Illana is gathering tools with the fury of a woman scorned. Sun tries to talk to her and Illana bites her head off. Sheesh. Rein in the PMS, lady. Sun is the freaking Mary Poppins of the island and you're talking to her like she's DarthLocke or something. She reveals that she's supposed to protect someone named Kwon, along with the other candidates.

Hurley is sleeping in some soft looking grass and dreaming about cheese curds. Jack's rushing him to get to the temple and just walks off leaving the Hurls behind. The next four weeks is just going to be everyone wandering through the jungle and looking for each other. RICHARD! Richard directs them to the temple. He's not having any of Jack's bad attitude. Jack and Hurley follow.

Ben's digging through Sawyer's stuff and finds some porn and is disgusted. Then he finds some water and he and Lepedis start talking about Oceanic and how he was supposed to pilot 815 but overslept. Ben finds this hilarious until Illana shoves a rifle into his throat. He stumbles to the graveyard. She makes him lie down and chains him to a tree. Then she forces him to dig his own grave. She's kind of hardcore.

Ben is tutoring Alex and she's worried about getting into and paying for Yale. She calls Grumpy Principal a pervert and Ben presses her on the issue. She tells him that she went in the nurses office awhile back and the principal and the nurse were engaging in relations while Alex was in the next room. Ben is kind of pissed about it.

Back on the island Ben is slowly digging his own grave as Illana paces with the gun. Miles comes up to taunt him and brings him some green beans and bananas on a giant leaf. Ben offers Miles millions to cut Ben loose. Miles tells Ben that Jacob cared about Ben and was hoping he was wrong about him. Illana shoots at Ben and commands him to dig.

Hurley's questioning Richard on his beauty. Hurley asks if Richard is a cyborg. Hurley gets the best lines. Richard brings them to the Black Rock and reveals that everyone at the temple is dead, but that Sayid and Kate weren't there. Richard is shocked to hear that Jacob has been talking to Hurley. He tells Hurley not to trust Jacob and stomps away. Jack asks him where he's going and Richard says he has something to do. Jack asks what and Richard says, "die," and my heart crumbles up in my chest. I'm seriously not going to be able to take the death of Ben and Richard in one episode.

Arzt is busy giving F's and Ben asks Arzt if he could access someone's e-mail without their knowledge. He asks Arzt to access the nurse's e-mail. Arzt asks what he want to look at the e-mail for. Ben tells him and Arzt is all on board as long as Ben gives him a good parking spot and maybe some new bunson burners. Ben tells him he can have what he wants. He calls Ben a killer.

We're back to Ben digging his grave. It's very symmetrical. Impressive digging skills, little nerd. Richard is inside the Black Rock, trying to be creative about killing himself. Yo, just blow yourself up. Richard reveals (pretty much) that he came to the island on the Black Rock. I knew it. He finds himself a nice corroded stick of dynamite and sticks it in his pocket. Hurley freaks. Richard tells them that he can't kill himself because Jacob touched him. Someone has to do it for him. Aww. Richard has lost all hope and sense of purpose. Hug him, Jack!!!! Hug him!! Hurley begs Jack to reconsider and sets everything up to light the dynamite. He makes the longest fuse ever in the history of the world (ask Ben. He would know), and lights it with his magical lantern that just appeared out of nowhere. Jack sits down and tells Richard they're going to talk now. Hurley rolls his eyes, pees himself, and probably has a massive mental breakdown.

Hurley's freaking out. I knew it. Hurley refuses to leave Jack. Then he runs "like a mile away." Richard and Jack talk about the lighthouse and how Jack thinks neither of them can die. Richard asks Jack what if he's wrong. jack says he's not. jack was right. The fuse burned out right before it reached the dynamite. Jack gives Richard a Cheshire Cat grin. Richard asks "What now?" and Jack says they go back to where they started.

Ben's still digging and he hears clickyDarthLockesmokemonster in the jungle. DarthLocke appears behind him. DarthLocke finds it amusing that Ben is digging and he offers to leave Ben in charge of the island when he leaves. Ben asks how he's going to get away and Locke points at the chain and his shackle just falls off. He tells Ben to get to the other island and that he left him a gun leaning against a tree in the jungle. Ben takes off and Illana follows.

Ben pops into Grumpy's office and hands him something to read. It's e-mails between Principal Grumpy and Nurse. Ben tells principal to resign and recommend him as replacement or he tells the school board and Principal's wife. Principal threatens to not recommend Alex to Yale if Ben reveals the nurse affair.

Ben running through the woods. He gets to his rifle and tells Ilana to drop her weapon. Run, Ben! You have her disarmed! She asks why he's waiting and he says he wants to explain. He talks about seeing Alex die, sacrificing her in the name of Jacob, and Jacob didn't even care. He apologizes for killing Jacob, but says he doesn't expect any forgiveness. Ben asks to just leave and go to Locke. She asks why and he says because Locke is the only one who will have him and Illana tells Ben that she'll have him and walks away. Ben is left to ponder.

Ben goes into the Principals' office and pokes around. Alex stopped by and talks about Principal's letter of recommendation. Ben is still going to blackmail principal with information. Awesome. Arzt approaches him and asks about his parking space and Ben gives his parking space to Arzt. He watches Alex bounce away to her next class, the oldest high school senior ever.

Ben is following Illana back to the beach where everyone is rebuilding. Everyone gives him the stinkeye. He abandons his rifle next to Sun and then offers to help her. She lets him because she's all sunshine and rainbows. Lepedis is building a fire, Miles dug up the diamonds. Illana is fondling Jacob's ashes. Hurley, Jack, and Richard wander onto the beach. The lines are being clearly drawn between us and them. Everyone is happy joy reunion on the island except for Ben. No one loves him. I would give him a hug if I could. He looks so....broken.

A submarine periscope pops up and it's Widmore's sub. He's not interested in the people on the beach.

Previews are nothing.

So...discussion. Just who are the six remaining candidates? And what questions were answered this week? Hurley's love of cheese curds? We do know that Richard got his eternal beauty from Jacob, but, duh, we already figured that out for ourselves. So, interesting, is it possible for a) people that Jacob has touched or b) any of the candidates to die at this point in time?