LOST recap

Locke wakes up in a hospital bed with Jack standing over him. They chitchat and Jack says, "I think you're a candidate. For an awesome new surgery. Not to be landlord of the island. You suck at landlording islands." Peggy Bundy busts in the room right as Locke turns him down. She kisses all over Jack and Jack likes it.

On the island Jack wakes up in a boat with Sayid, who welcomes him to Hydra island. At Widmore headquarters everyone leers at the band of groupies as "Doughboy" tries to force them into the bear cage, because that's what you do when you're trying to protect someone from a smoke monster. You lock them in a cage with some fish biscuits. Sawyer steals Doughboy's gun and Widmore threadens to shoot Kate, saying she's worthless. I just joined teamed Widmore. Sawyer relinquishes his gun because he's WHIPPED and backs into the bear cage. Widmore orders his lackeys to get the fence fixed. I think he's tired of his team just sitting around and looking all worried like Doughboy.

Sideways Jack comes to see Bernard and asks about Locke's dental surgery. Bernie totally busts Jack on flirting with Rose on the plane. Bernard gives Jack Anthony Cooper's name.

Sayid and Jack are shooting the breeze on the beach and Locke comes up all Rambo and tells Jack to suit up, they're going to turn into smoke poofs and tear it up now. Jack tells Locke he's not leaving the island and Locke says, "Zoinks! Almost had a complete set!" Locke threatens to kill Jack and all his friends if Jack doesn't come with him. Jack says......suspense....and scene. I bet Jack says yes. Sawyer and Kate are pacing their love nest/bear cage. Sawyer tells Kate she's not as important as she thinks she is, and there will be no bear cage lovin' tonight. Buuuuurrrrrrnnnnn.

Jin and Sun are catching up (too cute!). Jin tells her that their daughter is beautiful and she gives him his wedding ring back. Suddenly the whole compound powers down and Smokey appears in the woods. He kills Doughboy (YAY!) as Kate reaches for the keys. Like everything on LOST, the keys are just out of the castaways reach. Jack unlocks the cage and rescues them all. And our show is interrupted for primary voting coverage. This better not be cutting into my show. Seriously. I don't care who the mayor is. Shut up and turn LOST on.

Back. They're walking through the jungle. Lepedis is looking r-o-u-g-h. Kate tells Jack he's not going and she's all pissed because she wants two boy toys and now she'll only have one. Sawyer thanks Jack for helping them. Sayid walks up and they have a stand-off before they all remember they're on the same team.

Jack's in a nursing home going to visit Anthony and Helen shows up. Helen tells Jack to get lost, he's not wanted here. He tells her it's not enough to know he saved Locke. He has to know that he fixed everything in the universe because he is the human equivalent to duct tape. She reluctantly takes him to meet a very old and catatonic looking Anthony Cooper, not because she wants to but because Jack is obviously crazy and you comply with crazy people. She tells Jack that terrified looking Anthony is John's father.

Back at the plane Locke stomps out of the woods and kills all of Widmore's men without breaking a sweat, or even turning into clicky sounding smoke. He stops and steals a guy's calculator watch. Locke, you can totally get those at Walgreen's for $6. He goes inside to inspect the plane and finds la bomba. The B.O. gang staggers out of the woods and Lepedis is excited. They see the dead people and Locke says, "Yeah, I did it." He tells them all about the bomb. Locke tells them all that they have to take the submarine off the island. Hurley tells them thht they're not supposed to leave the island. Jacob says they needed to stay. Sawyer joins the dark side, at least that's what I think he said. I was distracted by the cloud of swearing exploding from his mouth. Jack confirms that he's not leaving the island but will still help them. Sawyer tells Jack they need to get rid of DarthLocke because he's a downer. He tells Jack to get DarthLocke in the water, he'll take care of the rest. Sawyer, that's the best plan ever. Push the indestructible poof of smoke that's masquerading as Locke into the ocean. That'll stop him. Why didn't anyone else on the ISLAND, surrounded by OCEAN, ever think of that?

Sideways Locke is waking up and Jack's hovering over him. Locke is sleeping and mumbles, "Push the button." and "I wish you had believed me." Jack goes out into the hall and runs into not jungle-fied Claire. It's amazing what a little glossing cream will do. He buys an Apollo bar from the machine and offers it to Claire who refuses it because she's one of those weirdos who refuses free chocolate.

Claire shows Jack a music box that Christian especially wanted her to have. She asks what it means and Jack says he doesn't know. Claire asked how Christian died and Jack tells her he drank himself to death in Sydney. He figures out they were both on flight 815. The music box is nondescript. Of course, Jack didn't check it for a false bottom. Duh. Jack asks Claire to come stay with him because they're family. She likes hearing that.

On the island the suspenseful music is still playing. That is one worn out orchestra, let me tell you. Sawyer makes a plan and asks Jack if he has his back and does a big obvious *WINK* *WINK*. that was so subtle, Sawyer. They all run like a bunch of doofuses when they're carrying guns. Sawyer's in the sub with Lepedis. He quickly disarms some geeky goon and then tells Lepedis to point his gun at the captain. The captain looks all confused. He was just hanging out, looking through his periscope and suddenly there's massive B.O. and guns all up in the submarine. Jack knocks DarthLocke into the water. Kate gets shot and it's pretty awesome, but it's only in the shoulder so she'll probably live. Darth Locke crawls back up on the dock and he's pissed because that was his only pair of underwear and now he has to wear wet underwear all day. Sawyer tries to get Claire, but he has to shut the door. Locke tells Claire to calm down and trust him, she doesn't wanna be on the sub. Kate's being all dramatic about her little gunshot wound. Jack looks in his bag for a bandage and finds the bomb. DarthLocke pulled the age old "switch the briefcase" trick and Jack FELL FOR IT.

Jack tells Lepedis to take them to the surface. Sawyer and Jack argue about the bomb and sawyer doesn't listen and rips the wires out. The bomb counts down super fast. Sayid tells Jack he's the one and grabs the bomb and runs. It explodes and chaos breaks out in the sub. Everyone's trying to get out before the sub sinks. Sun's been crushed by a big heavy object. Lepedis is gone. It takes Jin, Sawyer and Jack to move the heavy thing trapping Sun and Sun shouts, " April Fools!" Big heavy thing wasn't pinning her at all. She's apparently melded to the side of the sub. Jack takes Sawyer out of the sub and Jin desperately tries to free Sun. Jack tries to give him an oxygen tank and Jin refuses. Jin and Sun are resigned to their fates. Sad. Jack swims off with lifeless Sawyer. Lots of underwater shots. Sun tries to convine Jin to go but he refuses and continues trying to free her. She begs him to go. He refuses again, and talks to her in Korean because she doesn't seem to understand "No" in English. They kiss. That's right. Don't worry about your infant daughter who will be orphaned and left in the care of your horrible father-in-law. The sub takes an incredibly long time to sink to sad music. Jin and Sun hold hands until they drown. It's uber sad. I can't talk about it. I can only say it totally pwns Titanic any day.

Sideways Locke is leaving the hospital and sees Jin with a huge bouquet of flowers and seems to recognize him. Jack approaches Locke and says goodbye. He tells Locke he went to see his father. Jack told Locke that he crashed a plane with his father inside on his first official flight. Locke tells Jack it was his fault. Anthony's the way he is because of something he did. Jack tells him that it helped to hear that Christian was gone, and tells Locke that Anthony is gone and he needs to let it go. He and Jack cry together. Jack asks Locke to let go first. Locke tells him goodbye. Jack tells John he can help him and says, "I wished you believed me." Locke has a memory. I hope it's the one of his horrible father pushing him out of a skyscraper, because then he could finally let it go.

On the island Jack washes ashore with Sawyer. Hurley and Kate the load stumble up. She starts freaking out and crying all over Jack because Sawyer is looking dead, so it's Jack's turn to be her boyfriend. She asks about Jin and Sun and everybody cries. I mean everybody in the whole world because that was the saddest death ever on this show. Hurley's sobbing and it's breaking my heart. Jack walks back out onto the beach and cries. This time it's justified. Let it out, Jack. Let it all out.

Locke is standing on the dock and tells Claire that the submarine sank. Claire asks if they're all dead and Locke says, "Not all of them" and tells her he's going to finish what he started.

Previews. Next week seems to be about Jacob and man in Black. Maybe we'll finally get the backstory on these brothas. Death count: Sun, Jin, Sayid, Lepedis (I assume), and countless extras. Basically the show is now a bloodbath. And, um, serious Richard deficit again this episode.