LOST recap

Richard RICHARD!!!!!

We see bandaged hospital eye and Jacob is coming up to talk to it. So we're back to eyeball opening shots. It's Illana. She looks beat up. They profess their undying love or something. I don't do good with captions. Jacob asks her to protect the remaining six candidates. Illana and Jacob are talking about how she's to bring them to the temple. She asks him what they're supposed to do after that and Jacob tells her to ask Ricardos. Back on the beach the gang is telling scary stories around the fire and Illana turns and asks Richard what to do next. Richards laughs the creepiest laugh every heard in the history of ageless beautiful men. He then tells them that Jacob is a big fat liar and probably doesn't even iron his own shirts. He offers to tell Jack a secret. He tells Jack that he's dead, they're all dead, and the island is not what he thinks it is. They're in hell. He suggests they stop listening to Jacob and start listening to someone else, like Billy Idol, and stomps off into the jungle as the "Who's Afraid of the Dark" gang stares after him.

Richard is stomping through the woods. Illana takes up her torch to follow him. Jack tells her that Richard is about to be hauled off to the booby hatch and they go back to the campfire. Ben's being all cryptic with Jack and it's funny. Hurley's off on the beach speaking Spanish to invisible person. He tells Jack he's not talking to Jacob and it has nothing to do with Jack. Ben tells Illana that going after Richard is useless because he doesn't know anything. He tells Frank that Richard is ageless. Everyone talks about the candidates and Sun says that she, Jack, and Hurley are candidates. Lepedis throws up his hands in exasperation because can't an old pilot get some island love, too?! Richard is wondering through the woods like a lost puppy. Speaking of lost puppies, where is Vincent? Cut to Richard riding a horse on Canary island in 1867 and he is seeeeeeexy. He goes to a hut and finds Salma Hayek? No, just looks a lot like her. She starts coughing up blood and Richard realizes this shiz is real. He says he's going for a doctor. Luckily I speak Spanish, so I'm not having to read annoying subtitles. She gives him her cross necklace and tells him to give it to the doctor. Who's already figured out that Hurley is talking to her? Yeah, kinda obvious. Richard promises to save her and runs out into the sudden dark and rain while she clutches her Bible. Richard breaks into the doctor's house. The doctor picks his teeth and continues his dinner. He says he's not riding to Richard's house in the pouring rain, because he's kind of a pansy, and the rain may mess up his hair. Richard gives him money and the doctor sneers at it, so Richard gives him the gold cross. The doctor says it's worthless and throws it across the floor. Richard kills him by accident. WHOOPS! The butler stares at him and holds a big pile of blankets. That butler is worthless. He didn't even try to stop Richard. Richard gets home to find his wife dead with her Bible in her hand. This is sad. He killed doctor for nothing and now Isabella is dead. The lynch mob comes for Richard. Cut to Richard in prison. The priest brings Richard some food and giggles at his English Bible. Richard asks the father for forgiveness and he said no, he gives no absolution for murder. The father tells him that he needs to serve penance, but it's too late because they're going to hang him tomorrow.

Commercial. Hubs and I have an argument over which bike helmet to get for DD for her birthday. We decide on the pink one.

Richard's in his jail cell. They blindfold him and he prays the whole way to where he's going. They look at his teeth. Mr. Whitfield asks if he speaks English and Richard looks at him like he's crazy. They tell him to go away, but Richard yells that he can speak English. Dude buys him and says he's now property of Magnus Hanso. Hanso! Oooooooo....

Cut to the slave ship in a bad storm. They can't see anything, but then someone says he sees land, an island. They see the statue and all start screaming that it's the debil. Of course. Every large statue is the debil. Their boat hits the top of the statue. All the slaves are laying there dead. One dude starts coughing and it wakes Richard up. The guy is happy that they are spared. They hear someone yelling that they're in a jungle. The slaves start yelling for help and the captain comes down and glares at them. He then starts stabbing them all with his sword. Dude, that's a little harsh. Richard's freaking out, because, of course, he's last on the stabbing list. Clicky Smoke monster shows up at that point and starts rocking the boat, literally and figuratively. Richard and the captain are confused and blood starts dripping down onto he captain. Suddenly the smoke consumes him. Richard keeps trying to free himself from his shackles and hears Smokey sneaking down the steps. Smokey comes right up to Richard and sniffs him. Yes, he does smell like unicorns and rainbows. Suddenly Smokey is gone. Richard still stands still, just in case.

A blue butterfly flies by Richard, but he's not into enjoying nature right now. Suddenly it begins to storm and water runs into the ship, just out of Richard's drinking reach. Bless his heart, hours later he's still trying to dig that nail out of the the floor and then trying to dig his shackles out of the wall. He finally gives up when suddenly he notices a boar in the ship, eating one of his fellow slaves. BARF! Richard tells the pig he'll kill him and the pig runs away, but OH NOES! Richard drops his trusty nail just out of his reach. We hear someone saying hello and asking if anyone is here in Spanish. It's Isabella. She runs to him and hugs him. They better get off the "this is hell" vein they're on. This is kind of ridiculous. She tries to save him and Smokey comes back. Richard sends her away and she is killed by Smokey. Only, she is Smokey. We all know this, right? Poor Richard is now in a bad way. Someone comes up behind Richard with a cup and a pitcher. They touch his shoulder and he wakes up. He springs away from them and they give him some water. It's the man in black. He says he's a friend. The man confirms that he's in hell. The man tells him that the black smoke has Isabella. The man needs a name. I'll call him Ernie. Ernie says he'll help him. The man says that he'll let Richard go if Richard does whatever Ernie tells him to do. Don't do it, Richard! That deal never turned out well in elementary school. Man, Richard's arm look like ground beef. He thanks Ernie for unlocking his shackles. He tells Richard, "It's good to see you out of those chains," which is what DarthLocke said to Richard on the beach. He says there's only one way out of hell. You have to kill the devil. So Ernie tried to use Richard to kill Jacob before he used Locke.

Richard and Ernie are on the beach. He tells Richard to go to Jacob and stab him and gives him the same instructions that Dogan gave to Sayid about stabbing DarthLocke. DarthLocke confirms that he's the smoke monster and killed everyone. He also tells Richard he will never see Isabella again unless he kills Jacob. Richard takes the dagger. Richard goes to the beach and finds the foot statue. Dude, Ernie is a jerk. He didn't even let Richard eat/drink/or dress his wounds before he sent him on a killing mission. Someone kicks Richard in the gut and knocks him down. Jacob has some Kung Fu moves and he's so pissed that Richard is in his yard. I can practically hear him yelling, "This is my Frisbee now! I'm keeping it! Darn kids!" He asked Richard about the man in black. Jacob thinks it's lol funny that Richard thinks he's dead. He tries to drown Richard and asks him if he thinks he's dead now. Richard says he wants to live and Jacob drags him back to the beach. Jacob calls him sensible and tells him to get up, they need to talk. There must be something significant about the knife because he asked Richard, "Where did you get this?"

Richard's wrapped in a blanket on the beach and Jacob brings him some good, old beach moonshine. Richard asks to go in the foot and Jacob freezes him out. Jacob doesn't just let anyone into his giant foot. Richard asks if he's the devil. Jacob says no, that he brought the ship to the island. Richard asks why and Jacob drinks some shine. He tells Richard to think of the wine in the bottle as hell. He says it can't get out because it would spread. The island is the cork and it's the only thing keeping the darkness where it belongs. The man in black believes everyone is corruptible and Jacob brings people here to prove him wrong. Jacob says it's all meaningless to force people to be good, they should choose on their own. Why should he step in? Richard says if Jacob doesn't, Ernie will. Jacob offers him a job, being his representative. Richard asks for his wife as payment. Jacob says no. Richard asks for absolution. Jacob says no. He asks to live forever. Jacob says yes. Richard goes back to Ernie and Ernie is pissed. He gives Ernie a rock from Jacob, because it's hard to come by fancy gifts on a magical island and all. Man in black says that Jacob is very convincing and if he ever changes his mind that his offer still stands. Then he takes his rock, gives Richard Isabella's necklace, and disappears in a puff of smoke. Richard kisses and buries the necklace. I waaannnnttt to huuuuuugggg himmmm!

Present Richard is still staggering through the jungle and he comes to a gateway of sorts. He finds where he buried Isabella's necklace under the park bench and digs it up. He says he changed his mind out loud and asks if Darth Lock is listening. He asks if the offer still stands, shouts it, and there's Hurley behind him. He shoves Hurley. Hurley yells at him to simmer down and says that Isabella sent him. Isabella wants to know why Richard buried her cross. Hurley and Isabella converse in Spanish. She compliments Richard's English. He asks if she's really there. She tells him to close his eyes. He does. He cries as she tells him it's not his fault that she died and he tells her he would do anything to be with her again. She kisses him and disappears. Hurley tells Richard that Isabella is gone. Richard puts her cross on and thanks Hurley. Hurley says that Isabella said Richard has to stop the man in black from leaving the island or we all go to hell. Darth Locke watches from a distance.

You think the episodes' over, but it's not. Those tricky LOST writers. Man in black sits on a rock staring at the island because he's a deep, contemplative man like that. He's playing with his rock and Jacob walks up and tells him good morning. Jacob asks why man in black tries to kill him and the guy says he wants to leave. He promises to kill Jacob and anyone who takes his place. Jacob gives him the wine and says, "Hey, get drunk on me!" Man in black breaks the wine bottle in frustration.

Previews: DarthLocke says he comes in peace. DarthLocke tries to take Sun. Then we get a shot that looks like dead Sun in the jungle.

Sooo....Jacob is just as bad as Ernie. Yeah, he believes in inherent good, but is it right to draw people to the island just to prove his theory? I mean, these people die, are ripped from the ones they love, etc., all for the sake of an argument between MiB and Jacob. Doesn't seem right on either of their parts.