LOST recap

This episode was so weird and wonderful. I still don't know how I feel about it.

A woman pops up out of the ocean and makes her way to the beach. She's totes huge preggo and shouldn't be hiking through the jungle and climbing on rocks all alone. What is it about this island that sucks in the pregnant women? A woman in a Jesus costume starts speaking to her and offers to help. She gives her food and girl is chowing down. The woman dresses her wounds They start speaking in English all the sudden. Wah?? Floaty woman starts having contractions. Then she delivers the baby by a campfire in a big mudpile, because, you know, that's the most sterile place to birth the baby. The baby is a boy. She names him Jacob. Then she births evil boy who becomes evil man who becomes evil Locke. Those babies hate each other. She only picked one name. Uh, I guess Jake's the fave from the beginning. Jacob's not even crying, but evil baby is tearing it up in the screaming dept. Jesus costume woman bashes Jacob's mom with a rock. She didn't think that one out at. all. How's she going to feed those babies now? Stoopid.

The waves roll in and the waves roll out...sorry, I have baby beluga stuck in my head. Bieber aged evil finds a game of badminton on the beach and Bieber aged Jake asks if he can play. Evil boy says yes, as long as they keep it from mother forever. Bieber Jake goes back to the camp where Evil mama is weaving. Jacob asks to help because he's a good little boy. Always a good little boy. She asks what they were doing at the beach and he lies. She totally guilts him into telling her. Who brought the giant sea turtle to the island? That was not a Jacob sanctioned turtle! Evil mom came to the beach and tells evil boy that he's not as good as Jacob. She tells him he's special. She reveals that she left the game for evilboy to find. Evilmom tells him that there's nothing but the island. He asks about his grandma and they talk about death. Evilboy asks what death is and she tells him it's something he'll never have to worry about.

Jacob and evilboy are chasing a boar through the woods when vikings come up and stab the boar. They gut the boar everybody watches. The boys run home and tell creepmom that someone else is on the island. She tells them that they are here for a reason. She hemhaws around and finally takes them, blindfolded, through the jungle to a weird glowy epicenter of the island. She tells them that she's made it so they can never hurt each other. There's a cavern with light and says that they're here to protect this light. This is turning into a Sci-Fi special. She says if the light goes out here, it goes out everywhere. She says she can't protect it forever, but one of them will have to.

Jacob and Boy whose name we do not know are playing. Jacob's whining about the rules and whatshisname tells him one day he can make his own games and make up his own rules. Their real, bashed-in-the-head-with-a-rock mother appears to only whatshisname. He takes off to spend quality time with his mama. She says Jacob can't see her because she's dead and offers to take him across the island to the place he came from. There's a settlement and she tells him these are his people and he came from across the sea. Oh, and I'm your mother. Later whatshisname leaves the camp and takes Jacob with him. Jacob attacks him and punches him. His mother pulls them apart. Darkboy tells his mama how it is. He begs Jacob to come along with him and says they don't belong with evilmama. Jacob refuses to go. She tells darkboy that he will never be able to leave the island and he promises that one day he will.

Evil mama is crying on the beach. Jacob walks up and asks what's up and when's darkboy coming back. Jacob asks about his mother. She tells him that she wants him to stay good. He asks why she loves darkboy more than she loves him. She's got the "busted" look on her face, then gives him the lame "love in different ways answer" and asks him to stay. He says yes, for awhile.

Back at camp Jacob is all grown up and still weaving. Jacob has grown into a whiny doofus, a la Luke Skywalker. Mom looks a little loopy. Jacob goes to play with Darth. They play their game. Darth asks why Jacob watches the settlement. Darth says they're just as bad as mama always said. Darth says they're a means to an end. He's leaving the island. Darth throws his knife up against the magnetic well where Desmond is. He tells Jacob they found something and asks Jacob to come with him. Jacob says he doesn't want to leave. The island is his home. Darth says he's leaving. Mama questions Jacob and then goes through the jungle to see this for herself. She climbs down the mineshaft and finds Darth barbecueing. He pulls a knife on her and she asks if she can join him. He says no, sorry, he only has enough boar ribs for one. He explains that he couldn't find the light in the island, so he decided to dig for it. The donkey wheel is in the background. Darth pulls a piece of rock out of the wall and the light shines through. He explains how the donkey wheel works. She's mad and asks him how he knows all of this. He says he's special and sounds like Buster on Arrested Development. He tells her he doesn't belong here. She hugs him and they cry and say their goodbyes. She tells him she is so sorry and then smashes his head into the wall. She's got head bashing issues.

Jacob is sleeping and his mom wakes him up and tells him it's time. She takes Jacob to the light and tells him that he is going to protect it now. She tells him it's the heart of the island. She makes him promise to never go down there. He asks if he'd die and she tells him it'd be worse than dying. She gives Jacob the now famous bottle of wine and starts talking some hibbedly jibbedly and has Jacob drink the wine if he accepts the responsibility to protect the island as long as he can. He doesn't want to do it and tells her he knows that she loved Darth more. She tells him he has no choice. He drinks the wine. Why didn't he just choose Richard to replace him?

Darth is dead on the ground, then his eyes open. He sits up and the well has been filled in and all the people are gone. He is not happy with mama. He sees smoke in the distance and finds him settlement burning with all the people dead, not just dead. Mutilated. He finds his game and cries. Well, everybody on this show doesn't have daddy issues. Mommy issues are mega worse.

Mama and Jacob are in the jungle and it's thundering. She tells Jacob he needs to go. She smiles a knowing smile and wanders off. She goes back to the camp and finds Jacob's weaving torn to shreds and Darth's little game. Then Darth stabs her in the back, cause he's a brave one that way. She lies there bleeding to death and he crawls over and asks why she wouldn't let him leave. She says because she loves him. Then she thanks him and dies. Darth cries and Jacob stumbles up and asks him what he did and starts punching him. He finally stops, picks Darth up and drags him through the jungle to the light. He throws Darth in the creek and tells him to get into the light tunnel. Darth goes into the tunnel, then the light goes out and Smokey escapes. Anyone else think that's the magic Lipton hot tub? Yep, me too.

Jacob is rinsing his face and looks down the creek to see Darth laying on the rocks. He rushes over to him and cries as he hugs him and pets his hair. He carries Darth back to camp and lays him down in the cave. So the bodies in the cave are Mama and brother.

previews. Next week is the premier of the new LOST music video, apparently.

Observations:
-There's something special about that there bottle of wine. Jacob had to drink it to take over the island. Richard had to drink it to become ageless. Hrmmmm.....

-What in the hades does the "light" DO?

-How did Jacobs little evil mama knock out muscular Darth, cave in a well and tunnel, kill and mutilate an entire camp of people, and set the camp on fire BY HERSELF. Insanity, I tell you.

previews. Next week is the premier of the new LOST music video, apparently.

Thoughts in the comments