LOST recap

Richard RICHARD!!!!!

We see bandaged hospital eye and Jacob is coming up to talk to it. So we're back to eyeball opening shots. It's Illana. She looks beat up. They profess their undying love or something. I don't do good with captions. Jacob asks her to protect the remaining six candidates. Illana and Jacob are talking about how she's to bring them to the temple. She asks him what they're supposed to do after that and Jacob tells her to ask Ricardos. Back on the beach the gang is telling scary stories around the fire and Illana turns and asks Richard what to do next. Richards laughs the creepiest laugh every heard in the history of ageless beautiful men. He then tells them that Jacob is a big fat liar and probably doesn't even iron his own shirts. He offers to tell Jack a secret. He tells Jack that he's dead, they're all dead, and the island is not what he thinks it is. They're in hell. He suggests they stop listening to Jacob and start listening to someone else, like Billy Idol, and stomps off into the jungle as the "Who's Afraid of the Dark" gang stares after him.

Richard is stomping through the woods. Illana takes up her torch to follow him. Jack tells her that Richard is about to be hauled off to the booby hatch and they go back to the campfire. Ben's being all cryptic with Jack and it's funny. Hurley's off on the beach speaking Spanish to invisible person. He tells Jack he's not talking to Jacob and it has nothing to do with Jack. Ben tells Illana that going after Richard is useless because he doesn't know anything. He tells Frank that Richard is ageless. Everyone talks about the candidates and Sun says that she, Jack, and Hurley are candidates. Lepedis throws up his hands in exasperation because can't an old pilot get some island love, too?! Richard is wondering through the woods like a lost puppy. Speaking of lost puppies, where is Vincent? Cut to Richard riding a horse on Canary island in 1867 and he is seeeeeeexy. He goes to a hut and finds Salma Hayek? No, just looks a lot like her. She starts coughing up blood and Richard realizes this shiz is real. He says he's going for a doctor. Luckily I speak Spanish, so I'm not having to read annoying subtitles. She gives him her cross necklace and tells him to give it to the doctor. Who's already figured out that Hurley is talking to her? Yeah, kinda obvious. Richard promises to save her and runs out into the sudden dark and rain while she clutches her Bible. Richard breaks into the doctor's house. The doctor picks his teeth and continues his dinner. He says he's not riding to Richard's house in the pouring rain, because he's kind of a pansy, and the rain may mess up his hair. Richard gives him money and the doctor sneers at it, so Richard gives him the gold cross. The doctor says it's worthless and throws it across the floor. Richard kills him by accident. WHOOPS! The butler stares at him and holds a big pile of blankets. That butler is worthless. He didn't even try to stop Richard. Richard gets home to find his wife dead with her Bible in her hand. This is sad. He killed doctor for nothing and now Isabella is dead. The lynch mob comes for Richard. Cut to Richard in prison. The priest brings Richard some food and giggles at his English Bible. Richard asks the father for forgiveness and he said no, he gives no absolution for murder. The father tells him that he needs to serve penance, but it's too late because they're going to hang him tomorrow.

Commercial. Hubs and I have an argument over which bike helmet to get for DD for her birthday. We decide on the pink one.

Richard's in his jail cell. They blindfold him and he prays the whole way to where he's going. They look at his teeth. Mr. Whitfield asks if he speaks English and Richard looks at him like he's crazy. They tell him to go away, but Richard yells that he can speak English. Dude buys him and says he's now property of Magnus Hanso. Hanso! Oooooooo....

Cut to the slave ship in a bad storm. They can't see anything, but then someone says he sees land, an island. They see the statue and all start screaming that it's the debil. Of course. Every large statue is the debil. Their boat hits the top of the statue. All the slaves are laying there dead. One dude starts coughing and it wakes Richard up. The guy is happy that they are spared. They hear someone yelling that they're in a jungle. The slaves start yelling for help and the captain comes down and glares at them. He then starts stabbing them all with his sword. Dude, that's a little harsh. Richard's freaking out, because, of course, he's last on the stabbing list. Clicky Smoke monster shows up at that point and starts rocking the boat, literally and figuratively. Richard and the captain are confused and blood starts dripping down onto he captain. Suddenly the smoke consumes him. Richard keeps trying to free himself from his shackles and hears Smokey sneaking down the steps. Smokey comes right up to Richard and sniffs him. Yes, he does smell like unicorns and rainbows. Suddenly Smokey is gone. Richard still stands still, just in case.

A blue butterfly flies by Richard, but he's not into enjoying nature right now. Suddenly it begins to storm and water runs into the ship, just out of Richard's drinking reach. Bless his heart, hours later he's still trying to dig that nail out of the the floor and then trying to dig his shackles out of the wall. He finally gives up when suddenly he notices a boar in the ship, eating one of his fellow slaves. BARF! Richard tells the pig he'll kill him and the pig runs away, but OH NOES! Richard drops his trusty nail just out of his reach. We hear someone saying hello and asking if anyone is here in Spanish. It's Isabella. She runs to him and hugs him. They better get off the "this is hell" vein they're on. This is kind of ridiculous. She tries to save him and Smokey comes back. Richard sends her away and she is killed by Smokey. Only, she is Smokey. We all know this, right? Poor Richard is now in a bad way. Someone comes up behind Richard with a cup and a pitcher. They touch his shoulder and he wakes up. He springs away from them and they give him some water. It's the man in black. He says he's a friend. The man confirms that he's in hell. The man tells him that the black smoke has Isabella. The man needs a name. I'll call him Ernie. Ernie says he'll help him. The man says that he'll let Richard go if Richard does whatever Ernie tells him to do. Don't do it, Richard! That deal never turned out well in elementary school. Man, Richard's arm look like ground beef. He thanks Ernie for unlocking his shackles. He tells Richard, "It's good to see you out of those chains," which is what DarthLocke said to Richard on the beach. He says there's only one way out of hell. You have to kill the devil. So Ernie tried to use Richard to kill Jacob before he used Locke.

Richard and Ernie are on the beach. He tells Richard to go to Jacob and stab him and gives him the same instructions that Dogan gave to Sayid about stabbing DarthLocke. DarthLocke confirms that he's the smoke monster and killed everyone. He also tells Richard he will never see Isabella again unless he kills Jacob. Richard takes the dagger. Richard goes to the beach and finds the foot statue. Dude, Ernie is a jerk. He didn't even let Richard eat/drink/or dress his wounds before he sent him on a killing mission. Someone kicks Richard in the gut and knocks him down. Jacob has some Kung Fu moves and he's so pissed that Richard is in his yard. I can practically hear him yelling, "This is my Frisbee now! I'm keeping it! Darn kids!" He asked Richard about the man in black. Jacob thinks it's lol funny that Richard thinks he's dead. He tries to drown Richard and asks him if he thinks he's dead now. Richard says he wants to live and Jacob drags him back to the beach. Jacob calls him sensible and tells him to get up, they need to talk. There must be something significant about the knife because he asked Richard, "Where did you get this?"

Richard's wrapped in a blanket on the beach and Jacob brings him some good, old beach moonshine. Richard asks to go in the foot and Jacob freezes him out. Jacob doesn't just let anyone into his giant foot. Richard asks if he's the devil. Jacob says no, that he brought the ship to the island. Richard asks why and Jacob drinks some shine. He tells Richard to think of the wine in the bottle as hell. He says it can't get out because it would spread. The island is the cork and it's the only thing keeping the darkness where it belongs. The man in black believes everyone is corruptible and Jacob brings people here to prove him wrong. Jacob says it's all meaningless to force people to be good, they should choose on their own. Why should he step in? Richard says if Jacob doesn't, Ernie will. Jacob offers him a job, being his representative. Richard asks for his wife as payment. Jacob says no. Richard asks for absolution. Jacob says no. He asks to live forever. Jacob says yes. Richard goes back to Ernie and Ernie is pissed. He gives Ernie a rock from Jacob, because it's hard to come by fancy gifts on a magical island and all. Man in black says that Jacob is very convincing and if he ever changes his mind that his offer still stands. Then he takes his rock, gives Richard Isabella's necklace, and disappears in a puff of smoke. Richard kisses and buries the necklace. I waaannnnttt to huuuuuugggg himmmm!

Present Richard is still staggering through the jungle and he comes to a gateway of sorts. He finds where he buried Isabella's necklace under the park bench and digs it up. He says he changed his mind out loud and asks if Darth Lock is listening. He asks if the offer still stands, shouts it, and there's Hurley behind him. He shoves Hurley. Hurley yells at him to simmer down and says that Isabella sent him. Isabella wants to know why Richard buried her cross. Hurley and Isabella converse in Spanish. She compliments Richard's English. He asks if she's really there. She tells him to close his eyes. He does. He cries as she tells him it's not his fault that she died and he tells her he would do anything to be with her again. She kisses him and disappears. Hurley tells Richard that Isabella is gone. Richard puts her cross on and thanks Hurley. Hurley says that Isabella said Richard has to stop the man in black from leaving the island or we all go to hell. Darth Locke watches from a distance.

You think the episodes' over, but it's not. Those tricky LOST writers. Man in black sits on a rock staring at the island because he's a deep, contemplative man like that. He's playing with his rock and Jacob walks up and tells him good morning. Jacob asks why man in black tries to kill him and the guy says he wants to leave. He promises to kill Jacob and anyone who takes his place. Jacob gives him the wine and says, "Hey, get drunk on me!" Man in black breaks the wine bottle in frustration.

Previews: DarthLocke says he comes in peace. DarthLocke tries to take Sun. Then we get a shot that looks like dead Sun in the jungle.

Sooo....Jacob is just as bad as Ernie. Yeah, he believes in inherent good, but is it right to draw people to the island just to prove his theory? I mean, these people die, are ripped from the ones they love, etc., all for the sake of an argument between MiB and Jacob. Doesn't seem right on either of their parts.

A Moment of Silence

I have laryngitis. I have had no voice for three days. It is TORTURE for me. It's even harder with a preschooler running around. Here are the things that have happened since I got sick:

- M has put me in "time out" two mornings in a row because I didn't say, "Oooo Toooooooooodles!" when Mickey Mouse told me to.

- Hubs ate ALL of my Fruit Loops and I can't retaliate except to give him the stinkeye.

- One of my most talkative friends called me and talked for 10 minutes then hung up, and never realized that I didn't say anything.

- I followed Hubs around with a notebook and wrote stuff down for him. When he would laugh at me, I would draw him pictures of what I was going to do if he didn't stop laughing at me.

- Hubs let me use his laptop, which has software on it that will say what you type. It freaked M out and she hid from it and Hubs took it away from me when I kept typing, "I love you long Tim" and "You ruined a good joke, you, get out of my off ice." (If you don't watch the Office you won't get that).

- I forgot that I couldn't speak and drove through the McDonald's drive thru and sat at the speaker like a moron for a couple of minutes before driving off.

- Today my parents are visiting and I still can't talk. Should be an interesting trip for them. At least my mom understands sign language. We can communicate that way.

I hope everyone else is well! Michele, when is your baby due?

Lost recap

Sawyer's taking care of Jin in Claire's hut. Jin tries to run but Sawyer tells him to simmer down, Darth Locke's gonna save us all. The motely crue comes trudging up and Kate gives Sawyer the bedroom eyes. Sawyer looks at her like he's going to settle. Sideways flash! Sawyer is, well, being a Kate with some woman in a motel room. He gets up to go to a meeting and whoops! His giant briefcase full of money falls open. She pulls a gun and he tells her to put it down, that he's a cop and she's going to get busted if she doesn't cooperate. She calls him on his bluff, he whispers "La Fleur" and the door busts in. Lots of police officers, including MILES, bust into the room and arrest girl in her underwear. Miles calls Sawyer "partner" and tells him to put on some pants. PUT ON SOME PANTS, SAWYER! Seems to be the theme of this season.

Back on the island, everyone is standing around Claire's shanty. Kate goes inside and is looking around and makes fun of Claire's faux baby. Claire gives her a stinkeye and they walk outside. DarthLocke gives an inspirational speech and Claire reaches out to hold Kate's hand. Claire is clearly drunk. Sawyer asks Kate about the temple and she tells him that everyone except Miles got out. Sawyer is sad about this. Sideways Deputy Sawyer is sitting at his desk calling random Anthony Coopers from the phone book. Miles asks who that is and Sawyer says it's some guy setting him up with Lakers tickets. Miles points out that he's a better friend because he's setting Sawyer up with a girl instead of a ticket. He also asks Saywer if he's lying about Anthony Cooper and Sawyer gets all flustered. Back on the island Darth Locke reveals to Sawyer that he is the black smoke and asks him to go to Hydra island and infiltrate the crash victims. Then he reveals that they're going to use the plane to get off the island. He flatters Sawyer by calling him a good liar and Sawyer is putty in his hands.

Back in Sideways land, Sawyer goes to meet Miles' friend and it turns out to be Charlotte. Let me tell you, Sideways Charlotte is infinitley hotter than island Charlotte. They of course go straight to bed together, because, hey, that's what everybody does on a first date. She asks for a t-shirt and Sawyer goes to get some water. She's digging in his t-shirt drawer and comes across his "Sawyer" folder and discovers that Sawyer's parents are dead. He comes in the room and loses it and she stomps out and takes his top sheet with her. Witch. On the island Kate and Sayid are sitting on a log and Sayid is stoooooned. Claire comes out of nowhere, tackles Kate, and holds a knife to her throat. Sayid watches bemusedly, like someone who is watching a bear ride a tricycle at the circus, instead of someone who is watching a girl try to murder the island bicycle. Locke picks Claire up and tosses her across the jungle and then slaps her face. He tries to console Kate, but she's too busy being a drama queen, so he goes back to talk to Claire. Sawyer is on Hydra and finds a pile of dead bodies, a plane, and one survivor.

Sideways world Charlie's brother is at the police station trying to find Charlie. Sawyer blows him off. Miles comes storming up and drags Sawyer to the locker room where he unloads on him for lying about where he traveled to. He breaks up with Sawyer. No more bromance. Sawyer punches the mirror. We're up to 14 years of bad luck for the losties. Back on the island Locke comes up and comforts Kate. Kate is being a wench and points out that what he's saying is rich coming from a dead man. Locke laughs and tells her to get up, he wants to show her where Sawyer went. On Hydra, Sawyer and ragtag lady are going back to the boat. They're questioning each other and Sawyer catches on that she's not a simpleton and pulls his gun on her. She whistles and a whole bunch of people come out of the jungle with guns trained on Sawyer. Greeeaatt. That's what we needed. Another group of people. Thanks for creating more questions, writers! *insert big, sarcastic thumbs up here.*

Kate and Darth are sitting on the beach shooting the breeze. Darth is blaming everything that's wrong with him on his mother. That's so old, even therapists roll their eyes when they hear it. He tells Kate that now Aaron has a crazy mother to deal with. Basically, he's saying, "Way to go, Kate. You blew it again." Sawyer is marched through the jungle on Hydra, where the people are setting up smoke monster protection. They go to the dock and ooooohhhhh yeah. These people are Widmore's people.

Sideways Sawyer relaxes with TV dinner and an episode of Little House on the Prairie. Something about half-pint makes him want to go see Charlotte, but she kicks him and his "sad looking sunflower" out.

In the sub Sawyer asks what's behind the locked door and Simpleton tells him it's none of his business. He enters the room with Widmore. Widmore tries to shake his hand, but Sawyer won't. BURN. They talk and Sawyer basically promises to hand him Darth Locke if it gets him and the people in his boat safe passage off the island. They make a deal and Sawyer shakes hands with the debil.

On the island Claire breaks down, thanks Kate for taking care of Aaron. They have an awkward "trying not to discharge the rifle" hug. Sawyer drags his boat to the beach and tells Locke all about Widmore and co. I'm confused. I thought he was working for Widmore. Anyway. Sideways Sawyer is waiting for Miles and tells him to get into his car. He hands Miles the Sawyer file and tells him the whole dirty story. They start to talk about why a vigilante killing is a bad idea when a blue car smashes into Sawyer's car and he is not happy about it. The driver, who is wearing a hoodie (Hoodies are wonderful. Very versatile), runs into an alley and Sawyer cuts them off on the other end. He rips the hood off to reveal....Kate. Yeah, we already knew that. On the island Kate is cooking a rabbit, she thinks. Who doesn't know for sure what a rabbit looks like? She's such a tool. Anyway, she asks Sawyer why he's working for Locke and he says he's not working for anyone. He's just making sure that he and Kate get off the island. She laughs and says, "Even if we can get on that plane, who's going to fly it?" He reveals that they're not taking the plane. They're going to steal the sub. Yeah, because it's easier to pilot a submarine without instruction. Submarines are so easy to drive. It's like driving a car, just underwater.

Previews...RICHARD! NEXT WEEK IS A RICHARD EPISODE! RIIIIICCCCHHHHHHHAAAAARRRRDDDD!!

Thoughts in the comments. Peace out.

LOST recap

Ben running full tilt through the jungle and dude is scared. He sees a line of people marching through the jungle and realizes it's Illana and co. Ben tells them to book it back to the beach.

Mr. Ben, teacher, is talking about Elba island and the loss of Napoleon's power, and how it meant nothing that they let him keep the title, without the power he might as well be dead. Very haggard looking principal tells Ben he has to take care of detention and kick his History club to the curb. Ben sits down at his table to eat sushi (yum) with a very annoying Arzt, who's crying like a little girl because he got some formaldehyde on his shirt. Man up and buy a Tide-to-go pen. Substitute Locke suggests that Ben should be principal and Ben's all over that like white on rice. Ben is intrigued.

Illana wants Miles to read Jacob's ashes because she suspects Ben. Ben has an "Oh Crap" look on his face. She's totally going to kick him out of the cool kids club when she finds out. No sparkly earrings for Ben. Miles looks a little shaken up and tells Illana that Ben killed Jacob with a dagger. Everyone stares at Ben and he tries to play it off. Illana is pissed. They all stomp off and leave Ben shell-shocked in the jungle. Even Lepedis gives him the head shake.

It's now daytime and Illana and co. are now traveling and Ben is tagging along. The beach camp has been completely demolished. Ben asks what he can do and Illana ignores him. He tries to discredit Miles, but Illana walks away.

Ben is watching something microwave. Please let it be a hot pocket. No, it's a TV dinner for Uncle Rico who seems to be cancerous, and a whole lot nicer. Ben bemoans his job as he switches out Papa's oxygen tank. He calls himself a loser and Uncle Rico tries to console him. He also mentions that they were on the island with the Dharma initiative! Awesome! So the island did exist in normal reality. The doorbell rings and it's Alex, asking about history club. Ben is kind of being a closetalker. He promises to tutor her in the morning.

Illana is gathering tools with the fury of a woman scorned. Sun tries to talk to her and Illana bites her head off. Sheesh. Rein in the PMS, lady. Sun is the freaking Mary Poppins of the island and you're talking to her like she's DarthLocke or something. She reveals that she's supposed to protect someone named Kwon, along with the other candidates.

Hurley is sleeping in some soft looking grass and dreaming about cheese curds. Jack's rushing him to get to the temple and just walks off leaving the Hurls behind. The next four weeks is just going to be everyone wandering through the jungle and looking for each other. RICHARD! Richard directs them to the temple. He's not having any of Jack's bad attitude. Jack and Hurley follow.

Ben's digging through Sawyer's stuff and finds some porn and is disgusted. Then he finds some water and he and Lepedis start talking about Oceanic and how he was supposed to pilot 815 but overslept. Ben finds this hilarious until Illana shoves a rifle into his throat. He stumbles to the graveyard. She makes him lie down and chains him to a tree. Then she forces him to dig his own grave. She's kind of hardcore.

Ben is tutoring Alex and she's worried about getting into and paying for Yale. She calls Grumpy Principal a pervert and Ben presses her on the issue. She tells him that she went in the nurses office awhile back and the principal and the nurse were engaging in relations while Alex was in the next room. Ben is kind of pissed about it.

Back on the island Ben is slowly digging his own grave as Illana paces with the gun. Miles comes up to taunt him and brings him some green beans and bananas on a giant leaf. Ben offers Miles millions to cut Ben loose. Miles tells Ben that Jacob cared about Ben and was hoping he was wrong about him. Illana shoots at Ben and commands him to dig.

Hurley's questioning Richard on his beauty. Hurley asks if Richard is a cyborg. Hurley gets the best lines. Richard brings them to the Black Rock and reveals that everyone at the temple is dead, but that Sayid and Kate weren't there. Richard is shocked to hear that Jacob has been talking to Hurley. He tells Hurley not to trust Jacob and stomps away. Jack asks him where he's going and Richard says he has something to do. Jack asks what and Richard says, "die," and my heart crumbles up in my chest. I'm seriously not going to be able to take the death of Ben and Richard in one episode.

Arzt is busy giving F's and Ben asks Arzt if he could access someone's e-mail without their knowledge. He asks Arzt to access the nurse's e-mail. Arzt asks what he want to look at the e-mail for. Ben tells him and Arzt is all on board as long as Ben gives him a good parking spot and maybe some new bunson burners. Ben tells him he can have what he wants. He calls Ben a killer.

We're back to Ben digging his grave. It's very symmetrical. Impressive digging skills, little nerd. Richard is inside the Black Rock, trying to be creative about killing himself. Yo, just blow yourself up. Richard reveals (pretty much) that he came to the island on the Black Rock. I knew it. He finds himself a nice corroded stick of dynamite and sticks it in his pocket. Hurley freaks. Richard tells them that he can't kill himself because Jacob touched him. Someone has to do it for him. Aww. Richard has lost all hope and sense of purpose. Hug him, Jack!!!! Hug him!! Hurley begs Jack to reconsider and sets everything up to light the dynamite. He makes the longest fuse ever in the history of the world (ask Ben. He would know), and lights it with his magical lantern that just appeared out of nowhere. Jack sits down and tells Richard they're going to talk now. Hurley rolls his eyes, pees himself, and probably has a massive mental breakdown.

Hurley's freaking out. I knew it. Hurley refuses to leave Jack. Then he runs "like a mile away." Richard and Jack talk about the lighthouse and how Jack thinks neither of them can die. Richard asks Jack what if he's wrong. jack says he's not. jack was right. The fuse burned out right before it reached the dynamite. Jack gives Richard a Cheshire Cat grin. Richard asks "What now?" and Jack says they go back to where they started.

Ben's still digging and he hears clickyDarthLockesmokemonster in the jungle. DarthLocke appears behind him. DarthLocke finds it amusing that Ben is digging and he offers to leave Ben in charge of the island when he leaves. Ben asks how he's going to get away and Locke points at the chain and his shackle just falls off. He tells Ben to get to the other island and that he left him a gun leaning against a tree in the jungle. Ben takes off and Illana follows.

Ben pops into Grumpy's office and hands him something to read. It's e-mails between Principal Grumpy and Nurse. Ben tells principal to resign and recommend him as replacement or he tells the school board and Principal's wife. Principal threatens to not recommend Alex to Yale if Ben reveals the nurse affair.

Ben running through the woods. He gets to his rifle and tells Ilana to drop her weapon. Run, Ben! You have her disarmed! She asks why he's waiting and he says he wants to explain. He talks about seeing Alex die, sacrificing her in the name of Jacob, and Jacob didn't even care. He apologizes for killing Jacob, but says he doesn't expect any forgiveness. Ben asks to just leave and go to Locke. She asks why and he says because Locke is the only one who will have him and Illana tells Ben that she'll have him and walks away. Ben is left to ponder.

Ben goes into the Principals' office and pokes around. Alex stopped by and talks about Principal's letter of recommendation. Ben is still going to blackmail principal with information. Awesome. Arzt approaches him and asks about his parking space and Ben gives his parking space to Arzt. He watches Alex bounce away to her next class, the oldest high school senior ever.

Ben is following Illana back to the beach where everyone is rebuilding. Everyone gives him the stinkeye. He abandons his rifle next to Sun and then offers to help her. She lets him because she's all sunshine and rainbows. Lepedis is building a fire, Miles dug up the diamonds. Illana is fondling Jacob's ashes. Hurley, Jack, and Richard wander onto the beach. The lines are being clearly drawn between us and them. Everyone is happy joy reunion on the island except for Ben. No one loves him. I would give him a hug if I could. He looks so....broken.

A submarine periscope pops up and it's Widmore's sub. He's not interested in the people on the beach.

Previews are nothing.

So...discussion. Just who are the six remaining candidates? And what questions were answered this week? Hurley's love of cheese curds? We do know that Richard got his eternal beauty from Jacob, but, duh, we already figured that out for ourselves. So, interesting, is it possible for a) people that Jacob has touched or b) any of the candidates to die at this point in time?

Life is good

- M is all better now. Those are her words, not the doctor's. The doctor's words are, "We have no reason to suspect that your daughter has any severe or chronic intestinal or digestive problems at this time."

Perfect.


Life is good.

LOST Recap

Voiceover man is promising answers again. I may kick him in the shin if he's lying.

They show Uncle Rico shooting Sayid and Sayid coming back to life and being branded.

A taxi with Sayid is sitting in front of a respectable little house. He rings the bell and finds Nadia on the other side. They hug and I can feel the love. The sexual tension is so palpable, you could slice it with a butter knife. Sayid brought flowers for Nadia, but it turns out that Nadia is married to Sayid's brother. They also left the front door open because they were all raised in barns. Sayid's brother takes a business call during dinner, against Nadia's wishes. She's been sending Sayid letters and Sayid's all, "Girl, you're married to my brother. Stop hitting on me." Nadia finds out that Sayid has been carrying a picture of her around and Sayid's brother is maaaaaddddd. Awkward....

Sayid stomps into the head samurai's office and demands answers about the machine and the test. Samurai insists on being all cryptic. He basically tells Sayid that he's evil and he wants Sayid dead. At least he's honest. Sayid claims to be a good man. For this Samurai unleashes on him and they fight in an epic martial arts battle to the death. Samurai almost kills Sayid but stops when his baseball falls to the ground, proving that sports will distract men from ANYTHING important. Samurai kicks Sayid out of the temple. No island hot tub parties for you anymore, buddy. I think the spirit of Jacob is in the baseball, and that's why Samurai is so protective of it.

DarthLocke is asking Claire to go into the temple. DarthLocke promises her if she goes in that he'll get Aaron back for her. She asks if he's going to hurt them and he says only the ones who won't listen. And we go to a commercial about how the world will end in 2012. Man, those Mayans were a bunch of Debbie Downers.

Sayid is asleep on Nadia's couch and older brother wakes him up and Sayid busts his chops for it. Brother tells Sayid he's in trouble, that he borrowed $$ to pay for the second store. Brother wants Sayid to "convince" them to leave him alone. *wink wink* Sayid protests but brother spins a sob story and begs him to do it, for Nadia. Way to dangle your wife out there like a prize, brother.

Miles comes over and asks Sayid what's up. He's confused when Sayid told him he was banished. Miles tells him that he wasn't saved by the temple-ites. Claire is forced through the door at gunpoint. She orders Samurai to speak English. She tells him that DarthLocke wants to speak to him outside of the temple. He asks for Hurley and Jack, but Woodstock tells him that Jack and Hurley are gone. Samurai asks Sayid to go with him and Sayid is confused, but complies. Miles stands there with a confused look on his face. In tonight's episode, Pre-English Jin will be played by Miles. Samurai questions Sayid about Jack and Hurley and Sayid asks about Claire. Samurai tells Sayid about DarthLocke and asks Sayid to kill him. He gives Sayid a dagger. Samurai asks Sayid to prove that he is still good.

Sayid's niece and nephew ask how long he's visiting and he says, "Not long, suckas!" and puts them on the school bus. Nadia yells for Sayid and they got a hospital. There's Jack in the hospital! Nadia's husband has been "mugged." Sayid is going to kick some boo-tay. Nadia begs him not to go and asks him to go home and wait for the kids.

Sayid is stomping through the jungle and comes across Kate. Is he going to stab her?! Oh man. No luck this time. We still have Kate. They let her back in the temple and Miles is psyched to have someone else back who wears real shoes instead of homemade sandals. He tries to comfort her about Sawyer. Miles tells her that Claire is back. He said she was weird, but hot. Kate asks where she is.

Sayid is still walking in the jungle and stops to get a drink. Someone is watching him. We all know it's the smoke monster. The trees are wickedly blowing around. DarthLocke steps out and Sayid stabs him. DarthLocke just pulls the dagger out and Sayid is freaked out.

DarthLocke only has a hole in his shirt. He's the friendly type and he gives Sayid his dagger back. DarthLocke tells John that Dogan knew Sayid couldn't kill Locke and hoped Locke would kill Sayid. What if DarthLocke isn't evil but Jacob is evil? I'm confused. Locke tells Sayid he can have anything he wants if he delivers a message for Dogan.

Sayid is trying to fix a vase at Nadia's house that the kids broke with a boomerang. Nadia laughs. She says brother is recovering. Sayid offers to give her money and she said it's Brother's problem and responsibility. She asks Sayid why he didn't choose to be with her and he says he's trying to redeem himself. He says he can't be with her because he doesn't deserve her.

Sayid goes back to the temple with Dogan. He ignores Dogan and announced that DarthLocke says Jacob is dead and everyone at the temple is free and DarthLocke is leaving the island and will take anyone who wants to go. He says they have until sundown to decide and anyone who stays after sundown is dead.

Kate roughs up Woodstock and demands to be taken to Claire. She's in a hole, singing "Catch a Falling Star." Claire is pissed to see Kate staring down at her because she totally interrupted Claire's song. She's so rude. Kate explains that she took Aaron off of the island and raised him and rubs Claire's face in the fact that she got to raise Aaron. She said she came back to rescue Claire and Claire says she's not the one who needs to be rescued. She tells Kate "He's coming. He's coming and they can't stop him." with a creepy grin on her face.

Everyone is going nuts at the temple and Woodstock is trying to create order. He gets up in Sayid's face. Cindy takes the 815 kids and leaves. Sayid says he has to return the dagger and goes off to find Samurai Dogan.

Bald guy in a black SUV pulls up to Nadia's house and tells Sayid to get in the car. This show is creating an unfair evil stereotype of bald men. Just saying. They go to a diner. Guy who shot Alex offers to make Sayid some eggs. Gah, he said no, like, five times. No means no, Keamey. Keamey wants Sayid to give him the $$ to protect Nadia and the kids. Sayid asks if Keamey put Brother in the hospital. Keamey says no. Sayid has had enough and takes out both of Keamey's thugs. Keamey's scared now and promises that the debt is forgiven and even says "fuggetaboudit." Sayid blows him away because he's hardcore. Someone is beating on the freezer door and Sayid goes to investigate. It's Jin. SU-WHEET. I wonder if Jin's sweet old father-in-law set Jin up with that watch. Deliver the watch to Keamey and that's his payment to take Jin out of Sun's life. Hmmmmmm....

Dogan is sitting dejectedly by the hot tub, staring at his baseball. Sayid drops the dagger and asks Dogan why he didn't kill him himself. Dogan says he was a businessman once in Osaka and he got a promotion and went out with his coworkers to celebrate and got wasted. He went to pick his son up from baseball and critically injured his son in a drunk-driving accident. Jacob came to Dogan in the hospital and said he could save Dogan's son if Dogan came to the island and never saw his son again. Sayid sits down and asks who the man was. Dogan says "Jacob." Dogan guesses that DarthLocke offered Sayid a similar bargin. Sayid says he's going to stay and then bodyslams Dogan into the hot tub where they make the temple tea. He then drowns Dogan. Woodstock is freaking out and dives into the tea. Woodstock yells that Dogan was the only thing keeping DarthLocke out. Sayid then kills Woodstock. I know he was annoying, but dang, Sayid.

Kate grabs Miles and they run from the melee in the temple. The smoke monster is unleashing on everyone. Kate goes after Claire. Miles ditches her because she's a load. He hides in a room but someone is pounding on the door to get in. It's Illana and Lepedis to the rescue! Kate runs in to get Claire and has to jump down in the pit because Smokey comes barreling through. Ben finds Sayid in the hot tub room. Sayid's a freakmonster now and Ben slowly backs away in a "don't make any sudden movements around the psycho" way. Miles reveals to Sun that Jin is alive. Illana is looking for a special symbol on the wall. She pushes a secret room open and they all hide inside, just as Smokey sweeps around the corner.

Sayid walks among the death in the courtyard. Claire looks around smirking and Kate is visibly disturbed. She stops to pick up a gun and then follows Claire and Sayid out of the temple to where DarthLocke is waiting. DarthLocke gives Kate the eyeball, not in the "I like you way," but in the "I may turn into a pillar of smoke and bludgeon you to death" kind of way.

The end. And no real answers. Voiceover guy, you are such a tease.

OH FREAKING NO! Voiceover guy just said Ben was going to die! I think my heart just deflated.