Random Musings

Sorry, no LOST character summary this week, but I'm working on a kicking one for next week, so fear not.

I've written a lot on my blog about the Hubs and how much I love him. It's true. He changed my life and showed me how a gentleman should really treat a lady. He's my Superman, my Edward, my true better half.

But I don't devote much time on this blog to M. She just gets the occasional blurb. I really felt like writing something about how motherhood has changed my life.

For starters, M is a miracle baby. For years, even before I was old enough to think about starting a family, doctors have told me that my body could be too brittle to conceive and carry a baby to term. WRONG! She was two weeks overdue, so put that in your pipe and smoke it, doctors. At 15 weeks into my pregnancy I was told that I could lose her and there was nothing I could do about it. Wrong again. Every time they did an ultrasound she was there, kicking and growing and giving attitude to the technician. That's my feisty girl.

After she was born I was AMAZED at the fierceness I felt about her; the need to protect her from everything at all costs. I always thought I would be one of those laid back moms, but there I was, squirting everyone within breathing distance with hand sanitizer. Mama Bear, that was me. It's still me. When she was born and they handed her to me her eyes were wide open, like saucers. The child has barely slept since then and she's two. She still fights sleep like crazy. It drives Hubs nuts, but I secretly enjoy our late night times. I never once complained to sit up with her all night just holding her and looking at her. I still get the chance occasionally, if she wakes up scared in the middle of the night, and I relish it. Sleep is nothing to me anymore. Just that thing I need a few hours of to make it through to the next day. I'll sleep when she starts school.

She's getting to that age now when she's pulling away from me. I feel like a new mom all over again. This is all new territory for me. She is constantly exploring and discovering. Part of me is screaming to put her in a bubble, lock her up and protect her from the grittiness and hurt that she'll find in the world. The rational part is telling me to let her go, catch her when she falls, and hold her hand. I know that the best way for her to be a strong person is to learn from her own experiences, both good and bad. I know from my experience that life has just as much good to offer her as it has bad, but I have my parent blinders on and all I can see are the ugly things waiting on the wings. It's a constant struggle for me. It's a lesson for both of us. She's learning how to break away and I'm learning how to let go.

It hurts. It hurts to be a parent. I'm not talking about the birth part, either. That's old hat compared to watching them grow. It's a bittersweet thing. I feel like my heart's getting broken and woven back up multiple times a day. I want her to be a strong person who stands in her convictions and knows what she believes and why she believes it. I want her to have morals and standards. Part of me is afraid she won't like me once she becomes independent. "Am I doing this right?" is the question that's always on my mind.

But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Tonight I received some bad news from an old friend and after I hung up the phone I sat on the couch and cried. A few minutes later I felt a little hand patting my cheek and heard a little voice saying,"Mommy sad?" I opened my eyes and saw my child staring at me, holding out her favorite stuffed lion. Her lovey, the toy that can fix everything. Her eyes were hopeful, wanting her little offering to comfort me the way it comforts her. I realized then that I must be doing something right. She has compassion when someone is hurting. She climbed in my lap and kept patting my face and playing with my hair until I calmed myself down and then said, "Mommy happy now?"

Yeah, I'm not going to trade it. I'll take the heartbreak because the reward outweighs it by far.