LOST recap

Recap of last week/s – There’s my brooding Daniel. I can’t talk about it. I’m still in mourning. I miss his nerd-trying-to-be-cool-mullet.

I think that my TV accidentally switched to a showing of Rumplestiltskin. Is this Jacob? Twenty bucks says it is. Is he weaving the future of the island? He seems to know his way around the island. He also seems to be Will Ferrell’s long lost son. That fish looks yummy. And I don’t even like fish. It’s because it’s on that green leaf. It’s all about the presentation people. I bet that’s the Black Rock. And our timeless Richard is on it.

Who are these people who speak all modern but are in the time of the Black Rock? They even have mussed bed head, popular now and not then. That guy has a pierced ear. And it IS Jacob! Pay up! There’s our loving statue. He’s all big and stuff.

I love how LOST is being all serious and then they tell us that it’s brought to us by The Hangover. Classy.

There’s Kate and her boyfriend that she later kills. Man, she is like the Black Death when it comes to men. And she’s stealing a lunchbox. What a hussy! Haha! NKOTB. Awwww. Jacob bought her a lunch box. He’s a nice man. I think. Or maybe just a little creepy. Maybe a lot creepy. Weird.

Back to the awkwardness that is the sub brig. Brrrr. It’s like the Antarctic in there. I love that Sawyer just keeps dissing her. Stay strong, baby. She’s not good for you.

Wow, Sayid. Don’t ever put your shirt on. And Rich needs to relax. His Mary Kay order must be running late because he’s pretty testy. It’s just a radioactive plutonium core. Relax.

I really hate this Radinsky guy. PUH-LEEEEAAAASE let him die this episode. PLEASE. Maybe this spastic drilling will kill him. He needs a good blowin up.

Want to know what’s lame? Hubs came home just now and started talking to me. During Lost. And I missed the whole Ben/Sun convo about Jacob. Thanks, sweetie!

Locke is being a cocky jerk. I kind of like it. Jacob makes Richard not age. He’s so sweet. Wow. Locke’s gone postal. I haven’t said that in years.

Gah! Lepedis’ shirt is still unbuttoned! It’s like meadow. I bet little bunnies could live there. He’s a candidate. What does that mean? Hubs just pointed out that that big dude is the guy from the van. What’s in the box?!?!?! Oh, the suspense is killing me.

Jacob’s back. Now he’s visiting Sawyer. Wow. Sawyer is writing the letter to the real Sawyer. So sad. Baby Sawyer had freckles. CUTE.

Wow! Juliet is a ninja! Sweet! I think I like her a little more now. Whoa, Sawyer. You can’t fire a gun in a confined space like a submarine. Haven’t you ever watched a movie? Crazy! How is everyone so dry from their swim? It would take hours and hours to dry after going for a swim fully clothed.

Locke is so smug he should have canary feathers on his lips. Poor Ben. I feel so sorry for him, even though he’s evil. I knew Locke would make Ben do it. He’s such a pansy. Can’t even do his own killings.

So here’s Sayid and Nadia’s run in with Jacob. Jacob caused Nadia’s death? I’m so sad right now. I seriously want to cry. That was incredibly abrupt and sad.

Haha! I just laughed at Richard. Which brick is it? Oh yeah, it’s the huge triangle one that doesn’t belong. That’s Ben’s house. Eloise is the leader?! Sweet! No glass ceiling on LOST. I’m on the edge of my seat wondering who’s in that house. Oooooo, this is getting good! They’re in Horace’s house. There’s that little fink that was locked up in Sawyer’s closet. Hate him! NOOOO!! No more Sayid hotness. Sad day. What kind of gun it that that Jack has that holds so many bullets. Yay! Hurley and his wondervan to the rescue!

Vincent! He time jumped with them into the 70s. Rose and Bernard are back. I’m LOVING Bernard’s beard. They’re upset about being found. That’s kind of weird. Bernard’s kind of jaded now. Ha! They retired in the jungle. That’s awesome. I’m so happy for Bernard and Rose. It’s always something with you people. So true, Rose. So true. Awww!!! True love forever! Best Lost Couple Ever. Wow. They’re offering to let Juliet stay with them. That’s sweet.

Lepedis and his friends are going to stop Locke from killing Jacob. He says they’re the good guys. That’s what everyone says on this dadgum show. THEY’RE AT THE CABIN! Woot! It must be bad to cross the ash.

Wow. Jacob is everywhere all the time. Screwing around with everyone’s lives. I can’t get over how much Jacob looks like Will Ferrell. I keep expecting him to make a fart joke.

Jacob needs to call Merry Maids because DANG his house is a wreck. That knife in the wall is significant. Why? I do not know. And I do not think they’ll tell us. Jerks. Can you burn a cabin that jumps time and location and already looks like it’s been burned to a crisp? They’re going to the statue. BUM BUM BUUUUUUMMMMM. I really want to know what’s in that box.

Flannery O’Connor is the shiz. I’m not even kidding. Read some of her stuff. There’s Locke falling out of the window in the background. Jacob is BAD NEWS. He just brought Locke back to life after he fell out of the window. CRAZY. He’s brought him back to life twice at least. He’s really got a serious man crush going on.

Locke reminds me of the Cheshire Cat. I always wanted to poke that vermin in the eye. Ha! I’m a Pisces. High Five, Ben! High Five! So Ben made his visit with Jacob up. Aww. He’s just a poor, insecure person like everyone else. I want to give him a hug and pat his head to make him feel better. Wow. Locke is good at debate. That argument made a lot of sense. I’m all for Ben killing Jacob now. Wait, what?? No I’m not.

Aaron’s cradle. How sad. I wonder if it will make Sun remember her baby that she never seems to miss. Is that Charlie’s ring? Ah. I miss the hobbit.

Flashback! Jacob’s the drunk guy at Jin and Sun’s wedding. Maybe not. I like her veil. Very cute. Jin’s vows were awesome. He wins for life. Is there no one officiating this wedding? It seems like they all just took care of it themselves. There’s the nosy mother. “When are you going to have a baby?” Sheesh. Jacob speaks many languages flawlessly. He is a human Rosetta stone.

I love the roadblock. Haha! Straight out of a mob movie or something.

Richard took them to the statue instead of the cabin. Interesting. He knew that Jacob wasn’t in the cabin. Sawyer and Jack are headed off to enjoy five minutes of heaven in the jungle. Tee hee.

That’s an Apollo candy bar in the snack machine. Like the ones they had in the hatch. So he’s always had a taste for Apollo. And there’s Jacob! These flashbacks aren’t shocking anymore. I knew it was Jacob as soon as I heard the coin in the machine in the background.

I really, sincerely, like this conversation between Sawyer and Jack. I don’t have anything snarky to say about it. It was an excellent conversation. Jack’s still in love with Kate. That really stinks. She’s so bad for him. YES! Beat some sense into him Sawyer! Oh Sawyer! No hits below the belt! This fight is a little more bloody than I would prefer.

Juliet is slowly and surely redeeming herself for me. That was weird. A flashback without Jacob’s interference. I feel kinda bad for Juliet. She’s had a rough life. She’s still a hussy, though. At least she’s brave enough to let him go. Okay, I officially kind of like Juliet now. She’s doing the right thing.

Too late, Radsinsky. They’re already here and they’re going to blow your butt to kingdom come, you arrogant idiot.

Jack just needs someone to believe in him. I know the feeling. Oh no! Radsinsky is such a fink. I think he has some kind of personality disorder.

Flashback number 22,384,928,347. Hurley. I love that Hurley’s personal affects included a Fruit Roll-Up. Maybe we’re going to find out why Hurley went back to the island. Heeeeeeere’s Jacob! And the guitar that Hurley’s been lugging around. So Jacob talked Hurley into going back. Who’s driving this cab and what does he think of this conversation?

I have seriously bitten all my fingernails off in the last hour and a half. I’ll worry about it tomorrow.

Jack’s marching to the bomb and Locke’s staring at a giant foot. Poor Ben. Locke’s a bully. And he just talked smack to the beauty that is Richard. Oh no he di’int! It seems that Richard’s spent a lot of this episode caressing bricks and being emo, which is fitting with his black eyeliner. He’s going to kill him with a knife, old school samurai style. I think Ben will stab Locke with the knife.

Wow, Miles! Way to drop the bomb on everyone! I’ve been wondering how one nuclear incident will prevent another.

These Dharma people have serious attitude problems. Throw it, Jack! Throw it! Yay! It’s the Mystery Machine! Fantastical disarming! Something bad’s about to happen. Something really bad. It’s really going to suck if the bomb doesn’t work. All that and it’s a dud. That really sucks. Noooo! The incident. Maybe Dnaiel was right. They can’t change the past. That’s where Chang got his fake hand in the Swan station introduction video! And Radsinsky’s running like the little pantywaist that he is. A steel rod to the chest is good. So it looks like Juliet’s going to bite it. Dang it. And just when I was starting to like her. And what do we have left? Kate. Yuck.

Sun’s looking for a buzz. Bless her heart. The two groups meet. The answer is in Spanish. Dang! My Spanish is rusty. Does anyone know what he said?? What’s in the box? What’s in the box? Who? Who?? It’s Locke’s body. So who is Locke? AHHHH!! Eight minutes left. They better tell us or I’m going to wail from the pit of my stomach until next season starts.

There’s Jacob’s tapestry. There’s Jacob. That’s the guy who was on the beach with him in the beginning! What’s going to happen now? They’re so not going to explain this. No, Ben, do the right thing! Please, Ben, please don’t stab him before we find out what this is all about! Please! I believe in you. Please. NOOOOOO!!! #@$%@$@%@$%@^$&#^#& So pissed off right now. I think that guy is the one manipulating Christian's (and maybe Claire's) body.

Juliet survived. Yays! She’s not going to survive for long in that state, though. She’s going to set off the bomb. And it’s over. I hate these butts who write this show so much.

And the only preview we get is an eyeball. Cute. Real cute.

I'm going to go curl up in a ball in the corner until next February.