LOST recap

After the recaps we’re taken to Pleasantville where Locke squared lives in fake reality. For a second I thought he was going to fall out of his van. Wait, I was right. Man. I feel so bad for crippled Locke everytime I see him. When it rains it pours, huh, Locke? Literally. Locke squared is still with Peggy Bundy in fake reality. Sweet! Ew! Locke in a bathtub. NOOOOOOOOO! MY EYEEEEEEEEEEEES! Someone please pass the brain bleach.

Locke lied and told Peggy he was at a conference and not getting rejected from a walkabout. Peggy encourages him to call Jack.

Now we’re seeing the island through the eyes of the smoke monster and it’s CREEPTASTIC! Sawyer is raging to rock music and destroying crap in his and Juliet’s house. Smokey turns back into Darth Locke and finds a machete in the woods. He cuts Richard down from a tree and my Richard is all beat up. I died a little inside. I hate hate hate hate hate Darth Locke. He tells Richard it’s “time to talk.”

Locke squared works in a cube and looks unhappy about it. “Randy” is here and he’s a cocky doo-doo head. I can already tell. He needs to wash his hair, too. There is not an oil shortage in the world. Randy has plenty in his hair. Randy fires him. It seems that Locke has been lying to everyone.

Darth Locke gave Richard some water. He says he wants Richard to come with him. Richard is confused and bloody and I don’t like it. Darth Locke is trying to sweet talk Richard. He promises to tell Richard everything and Richard says no, because he is the awesome. Darth Locke sees a bloody kid in the woods and freaks out. Richard’s all “Freak. Hit the bricks.” Darth Locke says he’ll be seeing Richard and sooner than he thinks.

Illana is crying in the temple and Ben asks what’s wrong. Ben explains that Darth Locke turned into a smoke monster and killed Illana’s friends and that DarthLocke kicked Jacob into the fire. She immediately goes and gathers Jacob’s ashes. Ben asks why DarthLocke took Richard away. Illana says that he’s “recruiting.”

Back to Sawyer’s rage party. Darth Locke is all “Daaaaaang” when he walks in and sees the turned over furniture. He also smirks at the record player cause that’s so 1980. He finds Sawyer hitting the hard stuff in the bedroom floor. Sawyer glares at him because that’s what Sawyer does best.

Sawyer’s pouring another drink because he obvs needs it. Oh, he poured one for Locke. How sweet. He’s sitting around in his underwear. How sweet. Sawyer seems to enjoy that Locke is dead. He’s just glad to have a friend who’s not hitting on him. Sawyer calls him out as an imposter. He seems to be a smart drunk. DarthLocke tries to be profound and Sawyer laughs in his face. Locke offers to prove why Sawyer’s on the island and Sawyer says they can’t leave until he puts his pants on. Darth Locke always ruins everyone's fun.

Locke squared is mad because some idiot parked too close to his car. That idiot is Hurley. Hurley breaks the news that he owns the company. Hurley calls Randy a huge douche and Hubs and I laugh uproariously. Hurley gives him the number of the temp agency he owns. I like this confident Hurley.

A crab crawls off of DeadLocke’s head and I throw up in my mouth a little. Illana is leading everyone to the temple. Sun questions her, but Illana dangles the prospect of seeing Jin in front of her. Sun wants to bury Locke and everyone is like, “Seriously? It’s 900 degrees out here, Sun.” Darth Locke sees boy in the woods and Sawyer sees him, too. DarthLocke chases the kid down but trips and falls. The kid warns Locke that he knows the rules and he can’t kill “him” (Sawyer, I guess). The kid (is that regenerated Jacob???) walks off with DarthLocke shouting “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!” That was one of OriginalLocke’s mantras.

Sawyer’s wandering through the jungle, shouting for Locke. He’s pissed that he put on pants for this. Richard stumbles out of the woods and tries to take Sawyer to the temple. Richard tells Sawyer that DarthLocke wants to kill everybody. Darth comes back and Richard runs away. Run in a zigzag, Richard! If you’re a nerd and were bullied in school you totally understood that instruction. Sawyer asks about the kid and DarthLocke plays dumb.

A woman is being all weird with Locke at the temp agency. He asks to speak to her supervisor and she’s visibly angry. ROSE is the supervisor! I lurve her. Rose lays down the law with him, because she’s also the awesome. Rose still has terminal cancer, which is sad. She encourages Locke to live whatever life he’s got left and says she’s going to help him find a job he can do.

Sawyer tells DarthLocke that he loves Of Mice and Men. I do, too! Darth Locke says that book was after his time. Sawyer pulls a gun on Darth Locke. Locke tells him to shoot. Sawyer asks what he is and Darth Locke says he’s trapped and he doesn’t even remember what it feels like to be free. Darth says he remembers what it’s like to feel. Locke offers him the chance to turn back, but Sawyer doesn’t take it.

Ben is questioning Illana. She says that Darth Locke is stuck in Locke’s body. They come to the graveyard. Why wasn’t Lepedis helping to carry Locke instead of making Illana do it? Jerk. Illana asks if anyone can say anything and Ben offers. He calls Locke a believer, a man of faith, and a better man than he will ever be. Aww. Ben’s redemption. He apologizes for murdering Locke. Lepedis declares it the weirdest funeral he’s ever been to.

Locke square gets up in the morning and looks depressed. He pulls out Jack’s card and gives Jack a call. He chickens out and hangs up. He tells Peggy/Helen that he’s not going. Lost luggage guy drops off Locke’s lost suitcase. Helen asks how he got fired and he tells her the truth. He tells her to open his suitcase. She does and finds…all of Locke’s knives. He tells her he was going to go on a walkabout and that he was rejected. He realizes they were right. He said that he’s resigned to stay in his chair. She tears up Jack’s card and they kiss.

Sawyer and Darth Locke come to the edge of the island. Darth Locke says they have to go down the cliff and Sawyer tells him that he has to go first. Then he realizes that there’s a ladder. A rickety old ladder that leads to a rope ladder. The ladder breaks while Sawyer’s on it and Darth Locke saves him. They are surprised that the 1000 year old ladder broke. They find themselves in an awkward man hug on a tiny ladder. They finally make it down to a cave that’s got scales in it. There are rocks on the scale. One is white and one is black. Darth Locke picked up the white rock and threw it outside. Darth lights a torch and they dive into the cave. Locke takes him in the cave, points at the ceiling and says that’s why you’re here. Names, all over the ceiling. Many are scratched out, but recognizable ones (Ford, Reyes, Jarrah). Sawyer’s in shock. I am too. It’s rude to carve things into cave walls. The parks department will tear you up for that.

Kate is doing hair commercials. No thanks. I don’t want harlot hair. Bleeeeeech.

My friend keeps calling and calling me. She knows I don’t answer the phone during LOST. Especially the last 10 minutes. I shut the ringer off. She won’t leave a message. She’s doing it on purpose. She’s so off the Christmas card list. Update - my friend found out she is pregnant! I'll forgive her this time.

Locke squared is a basketball coach. Cute!! He’s also a teacher. I love it! He’s teaching sex-ed! Ben is working at the school! I’m in amazement right now. It looks like Locke squared and Ben squared are going to be besties.

Darth Locke confirms that Jacob wrote all the names and he confirms that he’s happy about it. Flashbacks to Jacob touching everyone whose names are not crossed out. Each of them has been assigned a number from the numbers! Locke is 4, Hurley is 8, Sawyer is 15, what were the other numbers? Was Jack 42? Anyway, Locke tells Sawyer that Jacob met him and that Jacob pushed him to the island. And Locke tells sawyer that he’s a candidate to take over being protector of the island. Locke tells him he can do 1) Nothing, 2)Accept the Job and become the new Jacob. Sawyer asks what the island needs protecting from and Darth Locke says nothing. 3) leave. Sawyer seems to be leaning toward leaving.


Previews: nothing significant except : THE TIME FOR QUESTIONS IS OVER. Amen, Voiceover guy. I LOVED this episode so much more than the last two. It was fantastic.