Friday, February 5, 2010

LOST RECAP

Finally! Hubs fixed my computer! I love him so....

Recaps recaps BOOOORING. Okay, the show's on. Everybody shut up (I really did say that out loud). And I think they may be showing the pilotepisode again by accident. Jack is boozing it up as usual. Rose is being awesome, as usual. Only they didn't crash. Whaaaa-aaat? Rose and Bernard are so cute. Now it's Jack's turn to pee at 5 miles high. Jack's neck is bleeding. That or he either has a massive hickey on his neck. Des is here?! What? What the heck is going on?? I'm so confused and it's only been 2 minutes. I don't care much thought because Des is looking hawt in that suit. Ooooh! The island's not there for them to crash on! Now we're under the ocean. Disney Finding Nemo effects! That CGI was horrible. Seriously. I know it's network TV, but I probably could have done better with Paint. The island is under the ocean. What the heck. My brain just exploded. Seriously. The mossy foot put me over the edge.

Now they're re-showing the whole bomb thing. Maybe this will tell us what happened. White light, and Kate's eyeball. Kate is dirty and greasy and in a tree. There is a loud buzzing. I keep telling DH it's on the show, but he's adjusting the volume on the TV anyway. She's apparently deaf, I guess from the explosion, and she's apparently a monkey now. She's still in the jungle, but how if the jungle is under water? I feel like the producers of this show are just laughing somewhere and giving us all the middle finger. There's Miles! This makes no sense. They've apparently been blown back to after Desmond turned the failsafe key. There's alternate reality Jack and man, his face looks like a package of ground beef. This is reminding me of Back to the Future. Now we have to make sure future Jack doesn't see past Jack or it will cause a rift in the space time continuum. Man, Sawyer is pissed! And Jack is crying again.

Back to confusing plane ride. Everybody's there! It's so good to see Arzt again! Not in a million pieces, of course, but in one big piece. Sawyer is good looking all the time. And apparently in our alternate reality Hugo is now the luckiest man alive.

Juliet's alive under all that crap?! Man, I thought we were done with at least one of the smirk faces. Poor Hurley. He's not good with blood. It looks like Sayid's not going to make it. That makes me sad. Oh no, someone's creeping through the bushes. I really hope it's Vincent. EVEN BETTER! It's Jacob! Hooray! We're all saved. I bet you money he won't tell us what's going on, though. His shirt's not even bloody. He's got some good stain remover. He probably uses Spray-n-Wash with Resolve cleaning power like I do (product placement). It's the bomb. You can tell I'm old because I still use the phrase "It's the bomb." I hope he doesn't take Sayid away to his temple and "steal his innocence" like he did to Ben. Ew.

We are back in Otherworld. That's what I'll call this reality from now on. Jin squared is back on the plane. Man, he's a prude! There's Locke. Crazy as he may be I love him. BOOONE!!!! I really do love him! He's so pretty. Boone and Locke are being BFFs. Shannon stayed in Australia. I don't like this reality. Instead of Otherworld I will call it fakereality because I think in the end it's not going to matter. I don't really care what would have happened if there wasn't an island because I've invested five years of my life in the island world.

Jacob's body is gone. Ben looks a little shell shocked. Awww. I want to hug him. I don't think he likes being Nemesis' little stooge. There's our Gap model! YES! Richard's going to unload on Ben. Ok, if Ben hadn't pooped his pants yet, he definitely did it when he saw the real Locke dead in the grass.

Everyone has forsaken Sayid dying in the jungle to dig out Juliet. Sawyer just sent Jin back to the van to get chains so they could lower Sawyer down in the hole. Jin used a long vine to climb out of the crater. Ummm...why not use the super long vine to get down in the hole? Jacob is worried about Sayid. And he admits that he's dead. He tells Hurley to bring Sayid to the Temple of Doom in order to save him. He also tells Hurley to bring his guitar because everybody loves a sing-along. This is good. Hurley can see dead people so Jacob can still offer guidance.

There's Charlie squared, dead in the airplane bathroom. Poor Charlie's dead in every reality he's a part of.

A DeBeer's diamond commercial came on and I thought the show was back on. That's some suspensful music for a diamond commercial. Werd.

Sayid is assisting Jack in saving Charlie. Jack is digging in Charlie's mouth. He found Charlie's stash. Charlie, your larynx isn't a good place to hide your drugs, for future reference.

I don't think little VW van is meant to pull huge steel beams out of the way. As someone who worked on a disaster relief team at one time, I can tell you that Sawyer should not have climbed down in there without a lead tied to him. DUMB. And Juliet's still with us. She is very bloody and very sad. I'm ok with her being alive right now. She is making Sawyer be a papa bear right now and I love it. Hurley put Jack in his place (ie, NOT IN CHARGE ANYMORE), and I liked it. Ben is in a catatonic state. Illana and her crew have had it up to here with Ben's garbage. They're storming the fortress. DarthLocke dismisses Jacob's body guards. They shoot him and Darth Locke vanishes (You do realize there are THREE Locke's now. I will refer to them as DarthLocke, Deadlocke, and Locke squared).

Smokey's here! Smokey can't cross the ash. That same ash was the ash around Jacob's cabin in the jungle. So the ash is protective. Interesting. Is it a special kind of ash, or will any ash, do? Can I make my own ash to protect myself from smoke monsters? These are the questions I want answered. Darth Locke just admitted he's the smoke monster. Crazy stuff. So nemesis definitely needs a body, (a dead one) to inhabit. It was probably like Christmas for him when Christian's coffin fell out of the sky.

Back to Sawyer digging Juliet out of the Swan. Uh oh, Juilet's slipping away. This is really sad. I feel like I'm intruding. Man, she died before she told him the important thing. Typical for this show. He still blames Jack.

Ok, something weird is happening on the plane in fakereality now. Charlie's foreboding, Des is missing, and Jack is rocking the 70's sideburns. The plane is landing and everyone is melancholy about it, because they are wishing that they would have crashed landed on a crazy island with polar bears and a smoke monster. Charlie's giving Jack the stinkeye, but you shouldn't try to kill yourself on a plane with a doctor. Live and learn. Alternate universe Locke is still paralyzed. He's still depressed Locke. End of first hour.

Second hour - seriously. I don't know if my head can deal with another hour.

Sawyer is sad and rightfully so. Everyone else is taking Sayid to the temple. Sawyer tells Kate to hit the bricks. Love it. Miles makes fun of the guitar and Hurley gives him a look of death. Speaking of looks of death - If Sawyer gave me the look he just gave Jack I probably would have peed myself.

Back in fakereality. Jack squared has been paged to the Oceanic desk. They lost his father's body, proving that airlines have no shame when it comes to lost luggage. I'm surprised the guy didn't say "and you're ugly, too." Just to add insult to injury. On a side not I have a theory that Oceanic is actually Continental, since they always lose my luggage. Apparently Christian's coffin has slipped into a wormhole somewhere because not only was it not on the plane, they have no idea where it is.

That Jimmy Kimmel commercial brought the Lolz. Seriously. "Okay, now you ruined a perfectly good Hot Pocket." WIN

Jin squared speaks no English. This alternate universe makes me realize they were all better off on the island. I'm pretty sure that Sun is going to go ahead and leave fakereality Jin.

Back at the temple (this is exhausting. Really). They are lowering Sayid through the hole in the floor. Kate immediately starts picking a skeleton's pocket because that's just the kind of girl she is. Hurley declares the trip to the temple "awesome." There's the hole Ben fell through when he got beat up by the smoke monster/Nemesis/DarthLocke. Jack is busy being a load as usual. Kate wanders off because she's also a load. Jack, of course, doesn't care about anyone but Kate because she has him under some stupid spell. Now everyone is missing and Jack is all alone in the scary temple. Now they're all being marched through the jungle. We only thought we'd seen the temple. Jacob had a freaking monastery. Sweet! It really does look like the Temple of Doom.

Back in fakereality Kate squared has to go potty after the plane ride. She's really just going to use the pen she lifted from Jack to pick her handcuffs. Sneaky pete. Who washes their face in an airplane restroom? Nasty. Wow. Kate unleashed on him. She's fierce. Now she' riding the elevator with Sawyer and they're exchanging sultry glances and Sawyer notices her handcuffs.

Sawyer's trying to figure out Juliet's secret. You and me both, Sawyer. Sawyer wants Miles to use his talking to dead people power to ask Juliet what she wants. Miles says that Juliet's message was "it worked." Whatever that means. Thanks for nothing, Juliet.

At the monastery, the monks with guns are questioning Hurley and gang. The angry one looks like a pirate and the other one looks like a young, beardless Jerry Garcia. Neither is scary. Cindy steps up and tells the head ninjamonk who they are. He gives the order to shoot. Hurley yells Jacob's name and everybody freezes. We finally get to see what's in the cryptic guitar case. It's a giant wood cross symbol thing, that think that's everywhere on the island. I think it's called an ankh. And they treat it with great reverence. Oh, nevermind. It's a giant wooden fortune cookie. It contains Jacob's list, and all of their names are on it! Awesome! They are taking Sayid to "the spring." The paper said that if Sayid dies, everyone's is in trouble.

There are the missing children. Wow, Jacob is a thorough guy. The spring is a giant, dirty hot tub. Hubs said, "Are they making a vat of tea?" Oh, Hubs! Always bringing the lolz! The man who doesn't speak English is angry about this dirty water. Nothing is worse than a dirty hot tub. Time for a new cleaning company. He's going to stab the water into submission. No, he's just going to clean it with his own blood, which is nastier. Uh oh. Magic pool doesn't heal anymore. That's bad news. Their resale value just went waaay down. Why is Jack all the sudden in charge again? Even Kate is baffled. Okay, after all this time on the island don't these people just understand to trust the others by now. Sheesh-a-loo. I think Sayid is dead. I think they may have drowned him. I'm not sure, though, because I'm not a doctor. Jack does CPR. Kate tries to talk him out of it because if Kate's good at anything it's giving up. And we go to commercial. Not to worry, though, Sayid will probably come back to life 30 times before the end of the series.

Fakereality Sayid is looking at his Nadia picture while Arzt looks on in a creepy stalker-ish way. Kate's still on the run and Island geek kicks her out of her cab. Because he's a geek that way. She hides behind Hurley and then jumps into Claire's cab. The cab driver is one of the bad guys from Heroes. Crossover!

Skinny hippie takes Hurley back to an "herb garden." with the non-English speaking bad guy. Hurely tells them that Jacob is dead and they move to Homeland Security Threat Level Yellow. They immediately start putting out the forcefield ash. Hubs is now talking about building a bamboo rocket. Ben is asking DarthLocke 20 questions. Ben comes to the realization that he's been used his whole life. DarthLocke gives Ben a look inside John's head as he strangled him. "I don't understand." Apparently Nemesis has been trapped on the island and wants to go home. Doesn't he realize he's been stuck there practically forever and the world is not what it used to be? We have Spanxx now!

Dead Sayid. Hurley tells him goodbye and tells him to come find him if he wants to talk. Awesome. Kate is cleaning Sawyer's wounds and getting rid of all the Juliet blood. That's it, Kate. Wash away any evidence of her. Back to seducing Sawyer.

Fkereality Jack is on the phone telling his mom that his dad's body got sucked into a vortex. Locke's in the lost luggage area and asks Jack what he lost. They're so gonna form a man bond. Locke shares the profound nugget that the airline didn't lose Jack's father. They just lost his body. Werd. Locke squared is deep. They also lost Locke's knives. Jack offers to fix Locke's back for free. Aww! Warm fuzzies!

Back on the beach Richard sees the flare and is gonna cry. He freaks and tells them not to shoot DarthLocke. NOOOO! He beat up my Richard and then kidnapped him. I hate him so much.

Everyone else is still moping around the healing pool. Hippie comes in and asks to speak to Jack privately. And Sayid wakes up! Yay!

Previews - Sawyer leaves the temple, Kate goes after him (of course). A lot of talk about who cares about who.

My head hurts. Seriously.

1 comment:

Michele said...

It was a fast-paced confusion-laced episode. I liked it. I didn't LOVE it. Kind of disappointed after the hype, you know? But, I still love my show.

Yeah! Jimmy Kimmel's commercial cracked me up too!

Hippie dude was the same guy that played dim-witted dork on The Perfect Storm. Japanese dude has English language issues. You think our language sounds weird buddy? You should hear yourself talk.

So - nothing was really answered, was it? Except for who smoke monster is.