Lost Character of the Week

First of all, congrats to Michael Emerson (BEN!) for winning an Emmy for best awesome villain of all time, or something like that. Now on to:

Off-center Emo Hobbit

Pre Island:

Charlie, whose middle name is Hieronymus (WHAT!?) was a good little altar boy. His mother gave him a piano for Christmas one year, but his dad was angry because he didn’t want him to go into music, he wanted Charlie to be a butcher. But all Billy wanted to do was dance! Wait, wrong story. But all Charlie wanted to do was write songs and sing them in a big diaper! Even though his dad was mad at him for wanting to make music, he still taught him to swim. That’s a good papa.

When Charlie became a little older, he started playing in the street for money. During one of his playing stints, he met a fine- looking Desmond and they had this conversation:

Desmond: Look at my awesome suit. We are friends on freak island one day.

Charlie: I like it. It is a very nice cut. What is this freak island? You are a handsome man.

Desmond: I am aware of that. Are you aware that I am made of awesome?

Charlie: I am. You are one sexy man. People shouldn’t do drugs.

That might not be verbatim. Charlie also sees a woman getting mugged one day and chases the muggers away. The woman is Nadia and she is muy grateful. Charlie is awesome.

Charlie later forms the band Drive Shaft with his brother Liam. Charlie was all down in the dumps because he thought no one would ever love the band and because he had to change the bus tire in the rain, but then they heard their song on the radio and were all “Huzzah!” It was grand.

When the band started making money, Liam started scoring heroin and got his baby brother hooked as well. Charlie tried to pull his brother out of the addiction, especially after Liam’s daughter was born, but there was no saving Liam. He eventually sold Charlie’s piano to buy a ticket to Australia. Wow. The evil family tomfoolery never lets up on this show. He eventually joined a rehab clinic and kicked his habit and turned into a family man. The band broke up. Charlie’s dealer told Charlie to form a relationship with Lucy, because she’s rich and could pay for his addiction. Charlie’s dealer is a winner. Charlie actually falls for the girl, but still steals from her to support his habit and she gives him his walking papers. Girl power!

Charlie flies to Sydney to convince Liam to reform the band. Liam refused and offered to help Charlie with his addiction. Charlie refused and booked his seat on Oceanic 815 instead. Charlie survived, even though his seat was in the mid-section of the plane. Know how he survived? He was in the front bathroom getting his snort on when the plane went down. Looooooser!

On the Island:

Charlie wanders aimlessly through the wreckage until he happens upon Claire playing pregnant victim. He offers her his blanket and she takes it. They start talking and it’s the beginning of true lurve.

He went with Jack and Kate into the jungle to find the cockpit, but only because he wanted to find his toilet heroin. He finds it and, yes, fishes it out of the toilet. Bleeeeech. He became friends with many of the survivors and none of them noticed his toilet drugs. Good friends, huh? Locke was awesome as usual and helped Charlie kick the habit by trading his guitar for the drugs.

A couple of days later Charlie changes his mind. Locke tells him no givsies backsies, but Charlie insists, so Locke tells him he has to ask three times and on the third time, he will give Charlie his drugs back. Because Locke is all about the games and is, apparently, a fan of the movie Beetlejuice. Charlie gets real mad and collapses a cave with his anger. Oh noes! Jack was inside! Charlie crawls in and saves him and afterwards he asks Locke for his drugs for the third time. Locke gives them to him and Charlie throws them in the fire! Be strong, Charlie!

After this a group of survivors, including Charlie, Claire, and their imaginary peanut butter, move to the rape caves because Charlie promises her she’ll be all kinds of safe there. Instead she’s attacked by Ethan and stabbed with a giant needle right in her baby stomach. D’oh! The next day Ethan accosted and kidnapped Claire and Charlie and hung Charlie from a tree. Jack totally saves him.

After Claire went missing with Ethan, Charlie turned all emo. He eventually talked to Rose and she helped him come to terms with it. I need to do a summary of Rose because she’s amazing.

Amnesia Claire finally returns, but she has no memory of what happened, including her friendship with Charlie. He’s crushed. They use Claire as bait to draw Ethan out, meaning to question him, but Charlie turns him into a slice of swiss cheese. Hell hath no fury like a hobbit scorned, y’all. Not long after, Claire gave birth to Aaron and Charlie was all about being surrogate daddy.

After Aaron is born, Rousseau shows up and kidnaps him. Charlie gives chase. They find Eko’s brother’s plane and Charlie finds the Virgin Mary heroin statues and is psyched. They catch Rousseau and Charlie returns Aaron to Claire. Claire’s all, “You’re the shiz.” And Charlie is all, “I know.” Then we all see the Mary statue in his backpack.

After they found the hatch, Charlie asked Hurley for some peanut butter, but Hurley denied him and Charlie was pissed. Eventually Hurley gave him the peanut butter and all was well in BFF land.

Claire finds out about the heroin statues that Charlie’s been stockpiling in the jungle and kicks him out of the tent because she doesn’t want him around her baby. Charlie starts having dreams about needing to save Aaron and even kidnaps Aaron in order to baptize him and Claire is pissed. Locke punches Charlie in the face a lot, too. Charlie decides to get in leagues with Sawyer and helps him steal the contents of the gun vault (including the heroin). He later tells everyone he only did it to make Locke look stupid. Memo to Charlie: Locke usually makes himself look stupid all on his own.

Later he helped Eko build a church. Eko abandoned the cause to push the button in the Swan, but Charlie continued building the church on his own. Vincent shows up with a heroin statue in his mouth. Charlie follows him and finds all of the statues in Sawyer’s stash. Charlie takes them and throws them in the ocean. Locke sees him and smiles a creepy smile. They have Ana Lucia and Libby’s funeral and Claire holds Charlie’s hand. Then Desmond shows up in his sailboat because he can’t get away from the island.

Charlie was in the Swan when Locke decided to let the clock run out and when Desmond turned the fail-safe key. He runs back to the beach, temporarily deaf, and Claire makes out with him. Score!

At this point, Desmond starts following Charlie around and annoying him by trying to save his life. Hurley and Charlie get Desmond drunk and he reveals that he can see the future, that Charlie is going to die, and Desmond can’t stop it! Charlie plans a date night with Claire. He writes a list of the five best things in his life, with Claire being number one! Later he swims with Desmond to the Looking Glass to communicate with the boat. He gets in touch with Penny and discovers that the freighter is not Penny’s boat. He relays this message to Desmond before drowning.

He appears to Hurley in the mental institution, looking all hot in the afterlife, to tell Hurley that the people on the island need him

Off Island Connections: Desmond saw Charlie as a street performer in London. Charlie saves Nadia. Hurley and Charlie stayed in the same hotel in Sydney. Charlie visits Hurley as a ghost/vision/something.

Sawyer Nicknames: Sport, Chucky, Tattoo, Babynapper, Oliver Twist, Munchkin, Three Men and Baby, Jiminy Cricket, Amigo, Rock God, Limey Runt, VH1 Has-been, Hobbit