LOST character of the week

Ana-Lucia Cortez (BARF)


Buh-bye to the stinkface
Pre-Island

Ana Lucia was a pregnant street cop. She was not very pregnant because she still had a flat stomach, but she was pregnant nonetheless. Some evil criminal shot her (when her male partner was standing right there. Who shoots the girl cop first? A jerk. That’s who.) and she lost her baby. This is probably why she had a stinkface for the whole time she was on the show. I would have had a stinkface, too. When it came time to identify the guy who did it, she refused to. Then she hunted the guy down, vigilante style, and offed him. I don’t blame her. She left the force and became an airport security guard. She was in the airport bar one day drowning her sorrows when she met “Tom,” none other than Christian Shepherd, aka the keeper of Jacob’s cabin aka the white rabbit, aka Jack’s daddy, aka Claire snatcher, aka the smoke monster, aka the mean man in black on the beach in the season finale. Tom decided that he needed some protection from something, so he hired Ana Lucia to be his bodyguard because let’s face it, the girl is FEEEEYYAAAAARCE. She drives him around for awhile before deciding to go home and confess to killing a piece of scum. She buys a ticket to sit in the tail section of Oceanic Flight 815. She goes to the airport bar and flirts with Jack, who’s having nothing of it. And they board the plane.

Island:

Ana Lucia obviously survives her crash landing on the island. They don’t have it as good as our favorite castaways have it because it seems that Sawyer is a luggage magnet and all of the luggage landed not only with the fuselage, but directly in Sawyer's tent. Ana Lucia does her best to help everybody in her plane section and elects herself their leader like all good dictators do. On the first night a bunch of jungle freaks kidnap some survivors. We later learn that these jungle freaks are Ben’s minions, here on out to be referred to as Benions. A few nights later the Benions show up again and take nine more people. They don’t get Eko, though, because he opens up a can of you know what on one of them with a stick. Ana Lucia finds a list on the guy with names of the people to be taken. She suspects another survivor in the camp named Nathan of being a traitor. So she takes matters into her own hands, like all good dictators do, and digs a pit in the forest and throws him in. She goes to check on him and OH NOES! He disappeared. Epic Fail. Turns out that poor Nathan was not the traitor. He was just poopin in the woods. She suspects Goodwin now and this time she’s right! Instead of throwing him in the pit, she takes him to the top of a hill and impales him on a stick ala Vlad the Impaler (shout out 11th grade history! Dracula - Holla!). About this time Jin washes up on the shore and even though he looks like he’s been floating in the ocean for days and he speaks no English, she thinks he’s a bad guy. She has a bad guy complex. Jin escapes and leads them to Michael and Sawyer. She throws them in her pit because it’s there, there might as well be some people in it. And if you’re going to throw a guy in a pit, it might as well be shirtless Sawyer. Am I right? Ana Lucia has herself thrown in the pit so she can pretend to be a victim and find out what they know. They convince her that they are from flight 815 and she finally believes them. Side note: This scene is classic Sawyer and well worth watching. She releases them and they all travel to the beach camp because living with the tailies is like caveman time and living with the fuselagers is like living in Tudor England. So, it’s a couple of steps up. Besides, all the fine looking guys went down with the fuselage. When they near the camp Ana Lucia operates under the “shoot now ask questions later” rule and blows Shannon to Kingdom come. And there was great rejoicing in LostLand. Adding insult to injury, she ties Sayid up and refuses to let anyone leave. Because she is CRAZY. Libby uses some girlfriend talk to soften her up and she finally lets everyone go. She goes to the beach and somehow gets an invitation to the exclusive Hatch. She interrogates Henry Gale, who is really Ben in disguise. Sorry, Ben, you’re still creepy, even if you change your name to Henry. He gives her a map to his balloon crash and she, Charlie (?), and Sayid go on a road trip to find the balloon. But, uh oh! They also find the body of the real Henry Gale. She goes back to talk to Benry and he nearly kills her. She seduces Sawyer because he forgot to take his anti stupid skank pills that morning, and steals his gun. She goes to kill Ben, but can’t bring herself to pull the trigger. She tells Michael about it and he’s all, “I’ll do it, I’m all about killing people. If you believe me you are a stupid twit.” She believes him and he kills her instead.

She makes two other appearances in the series. She appears in one of Eko’s dreams and as a hallucination to Hurley. She was kind of cool in the Hurley hallucination.

Connections:
Christian Shepherd’s bodyguard (*cough*driver*cough*) in Australia.
Killer of Shannon Rutherford and Goodwin
Killed by Michael Dawson
Used her womanly wiles on Sawyer
Was kinda flirty with Jack (starting to think maybe Jack's the village bicycle, not Juliet).

Sawyer nicknames:
Cupcake, Rambina, Hot Lips, Ponce de Leon, Ana Lulu, Little Red Riding Hood, Lucy, Muchacha

Sources: wikipedia.org, muckety.com, lost.about.com, lostpedia.wikia.com, my brain, LOST season 2 dvds

Did I miss anything? Suggestions for next week??