Eyeball of Fire

So today I set my eyeball on fire. It was fantastic. A life lesson for sure.

We're doing some home improvement. Hubs noticed that the caulk in the shower was a light beige, instead of being white, and asked if I could see if I could get it clean. You know, because I know so much about caulk (that was sarcasm). And because I'm a cleaning ninja (that was not sarcasm). So I armed myself with vinegar and baking soda, which was a bust, but is awesome for cleaning a toilet or building a model volcano. Then I went for the big guns: Bleach. Let me tell you about bleach. It'll kill you with it's fumes. It stinks like a rotten egg. But it will clean anything, including almost-but-not-quite-white beige caulk.

We have a woodpecker at our house. Bear with me, I'm not having an attention deficit moment. I hate him. He likes to peck on the metal window frame in our bathroom. So he chose the moment that I was pouring pure bleach onto the cloth to start hammering away at the window frame like he was drilling an oil well or something. So of course I jumped.

I watched the bleach arc through the air in a slow-motion movie montage. There was nothing I could do but yell NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! for a few seconds as the splatter flew toward my face. It hit right below my left eye. FIRE. FIRE, I TELL YOU! Pure bleach burns. Public Service Announcement. I fell to the floor, clutching my face, completely unprepared for this type of disaster.

I am prepared for many different disasters. Tornadoes, check. Earthquakes, check. Zombie Apocalypse, check. Freaking bleach in my eye, compliments of a unintelligent woodpecker? Not so much. I scrambled into the bedroom and called Poison control:

Me: AUUUUGHHH! FIRE! FIRE IN MY EYE! IT BUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRNNNNNNS!

Poison Control Operator: What?

Me: MY EYE IS BURNING! EYE OF SAURON! MY EYEBALL IS MELTING! BLEEEEEAAAAACCCCCHHHH!

PCO: You poured bleach in your eye?

Me: NO! WHY WOULD I POUR BLEACH IN MY EYE ON PURPOSE? I'M NOT A MORON! WHY AREN'T YOU MORE UPSET ABOUT THIS? THIS IS UPSETTING!

PCO: Ma'am, calm down. Did you get bleach directly in your eye?

Me: No! It landed below my eye!

PCO: Your eye is just irritated from the fumes. You need to rinse the area the bleach touched, then hold a cold cloth over your eye for about half and hour, and you'll feel better.

Me: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU POISON CONTROL MAN!

PCO: If the irritation continues, or if you have vision problems, you need to go straight to your ER.

Me: What is your address? I would like to send you a slightly inappropriate card to thank you.

PCO: *click*

So I have a spot on my face that looks like leprosy or something. My eyeball has stopped being on fire and is simply smoldering. It looks something like this:


Please be careful when cleaning with pure bleach. You never know when an insane woodpecker is going to destroy the semblance of peace in your cleaning haven and cause you serious injury.